If Lazy Could Get Lazy

I think I may have out lazied lazy.

I don't really have substantiated proof but I'm thinking I get the gold medal hands down.

My gorgeous cousin and her friend came over today to go swimming while I was sleeping - Bob left them a key so they could get in and out of the house which of course, I'm fine with. It's my baby cousin after all (she's 23).

Uh, yeah.

I get up later and we sit in my living room.

Where one of my cats has made a bed out of her own fur.

Nice.

My favourite part was when the four year old picked up a clump of black and white fur and handed it to her mom.

Sweet.

Guess I need to take a closer look around the place before people come over. Since I never really go in the living room unless people come I just assume it's clean.

Okay, I guess I should say there are no books, cups, dirty plates, socks, papers, etc all over the place.

Nope.

Spotless.

Except for the fact that my black and white long haired kitty lives on the carpet and I haven't plugged in the vacuum for longer than I'm about to admit.

Odd.

There's only a small place in my brain that is embarrassed by this.

I keep thinking it could have been worse which has me thinking I'm forgetting about something.

That might be a problem.

In the house.

I'll let you know when it comes to me.

OH! OH!

This isn't it but might be related (must clean out fridge) - my hubby came home and was starving, we're standing in the kitchen and I see him putting ketchup on a hot dog that was obviously cooked on the BBQ.

Only, it's been a week since we had a BBQ.

Me: 'Bob, I don't think you should eat that, it's been in the fridge for a week.'

Bob: 'It's cooked.'

Gorgeous Cousin didn't even bat an eyelash. I'm thinking she's used to eating like that at home.

So far, he's survived and it's been 6 hours. I envy those peeps with iron guts.

Stupid Update

It's hours later & I realize I've got PMS brain.

Means I think I'm super woman but can't get my ass off the couch.

So clothes have not been moved or sifted through.

Broke down and have chocolate chip cookies in the oven.

And I think I deserve another ice filled coca-cola.

Bring It!!

Uh, Oh Squared

I'm considering (okay, I've been aware of it for a while) that I need to clean out my closet and drawers.

This will be a fairly big job. As it is, I can't fit my clothes in my drawer set anymore. I figure there has to be a ton of stuff I haven't been getting to for a while now so yeah. Tonight might be the dreaded night.

Amity is about to get a huge donation.

Of course, there will be the 'trying on of clothes that may not fit anymore' - I see tears in the works.

Bob's out tonight for business so this is the best time - I can do this at my own pace without worrying that Bob needs to get to bed. Then there will be the need to walk away every 20 minutes or so to keep my sanity.

I can do it.

Bob woke up the other day to discover all his clothes had not only been washed but hung up in his closet. I couldn't take the sea of clothes all over the library room bed. In one day he has managed to leave a suit case, a hanger and some other stuff on the bed again. Looks like I'll have to be the one in there moving stuff to it's proper place.

You know, I should hide his stuff. Then he'll be calling for things and I can say stuff like 'oh, I put that in the oven the other day as it seemed as good a place as any'.

Course, I'm not sure I'll be happy to hear how my books became mulch for the backyard since they weren't in their beautiful bookcases.

Some wars are never meant to be waged and this is obviously one of them!

Hey There!

I'm up and about and doing fairly well. I think I finally just tanked last night after the past few weeks. I get worked up about the silliest things but I guess that's my stupid cross thingie.

I had a great talk with my doc the other week. Turns out the 'clinic' I went to must have dropped the ball something fierce. My doc showed me the write-up she sent and it was clear 'anxiety, periods of mood depression, consultation about meds' was all over the place. My doc was looking to see if there was something better for me cause it's been 10 years since I started on this journey.

I told her about the doc there and the negative comment. My doc was shocked and clearly confused about how everything fell through the cracks. She hadn't received the report from the clinic so we'll look again in three months when I'm due back.

Right now my mood is fine but then, it's almost summer and I do better when I'm up and going.

I say almost summer cause today it's 9 C. Like friggin' cold. Just two days ago we were floating in the pool - now the idea of swimming gives me the shivers!

Things on the brain:

1. I haven't picked up the current book I'm reading in about two weeks. I either have to pick it up and finish it or move on.

2. Bejeweled on Facebook - new addiction - will probably last another two weeks.

3. I read the back blurb on Anne Stuart's latest book because I couldn't find the book I'm supposed to be reading and uh, there's mention of a kid. Not sure how I'm feeling about that one. But I'm not going to bust the book out yet.

4. Everything I type is boring. Yes, I'm aware.

5. I need to get moving physically. It's basic and yet, I sit on the couch most of the night watching TV. Not a great way to get in shape. As opposed to being a shape.

Okay, off to play my newest addiction.

Long Weekend for Us Too!

Bob took today off and he actually stayed away from his work computer. Proud of him I am!

Last night we got in the pool for the first time. We heated it for 3 days and it's at 83 degrees. You would think that would be really warm but this time of year, it's still a touch chilly. Also, we haven't cleaned out the pool so leaves and debris that was there when we closed are still on the bottom. We'll get to it but I just keep saying 'if you've gone swimming in a lake then you have swam in worse.'

We got in again tonight but it was only 20 C outdoors so it was nippy again when we got out. Also the skimmer isn't running yet so the top of the water has floaties still. Bob's going to vacuum the pool and get the skimmer working tomorrow.

We also planted a few salvia and petunias. Bob's Aries kept popping up and ordering my easy natured *snort* Virgo ass around but I kept him in check. I haven't really paid attention to gardening for a few years because there have been so many other things to focus on. So it was nice to see tiny plants go into the earth and hopefully in a month it'll look all pretty!

Onwards!

My sleeping pattern is slowly killing me. I'm sure of it. Turns out you shouldn't fight your natural clock.

I have been going to bed around 1-3am and getting up about 1 to 2pm so I'm getting lots of daylight BUT, I'm tired constantly. And when I'm tired I get snippy. I don't mean it in the least but I feel bad when my voice gets just a touch too loud.

Also, I seem to wake up every few hours after sunrise. Normally I hit the bed and don't remember a thing till I wake up 9-10 hrs later. I do like waking up and discovering I still have lots of time to sleep but the waking up and being tired thing is getting old. I've been burning through the pain and keeping away from the bed cause I know a nap is going to send me back to my natural ways.

I just have to wait until my Dad heads back to KL then I can see if I need some naps to help me out of this walking zombie phase.

Okay, I'm sleepy and it's not even 10 pm but I'll leave you to your weekend. Happy Long Weekend to all those who have one. To the rest, hope you have a great weekend regardless!

Sunshine!

My Dad got back from KL Friday night and Bob and I with the rest of the family went over on Saturday for a great roast beef dinner.

Mmmm, roast beef.

Sunday we had one of my best buds and her SO come down and we went with my Gorgeous Cousin and her beaux to see Star Trek at a VIP theater up here in Canada. Now, being Canada I figured we stole this idea from the States. Probably did but if you don't know what one is, basically it's a theater where only 19 yrs and older can go in. There is alcohol, sandwiches, fancy desserts, fries and other nibblies you can order. Then there are the usual suspects, popcorn, drinks and junk. What they don't have is hot dogs and the hubby can't pass up on a good hot dog.

Anyways, I don't eat before going to a movie - it's a panic thing. So even though the others had eaten dinner they ordered the usual stuff. Me? I needed fries and of course, pop and popcorn. Bob had to go downstairs (VIP is on the upper level) to order his hot dog and nachos with cheese. We arrived a 1/2 hour before the movie because another fun option with the VIP theaters is you can order your tickets online and pick your seats out. Awesome!!

That said, I guess a 1/2 hour is not enough time for the cooks to get the fries done. So they deliver to your seat.

They will also take your order at your seat if you wish.

Great, right?

One problem. When they have to bring your food, if the movie is playing they don't care. The carriers end up blocking people's view of the movie!!

So there we are, engrossed in the movie when the carrier comes and climbs over us (not really climbing because there is plenty of room but still, when they are in your sight line, you can't see the screen).

Now, Star Trek is fast. The jokes are moving at warp speed, things happen within 30 seconds. In a slow moving picture I could see doing this but I turned to Bob at one point and asked 'what did I miss' and he just laughed.

Anyways, the movie rocked! My gorgeous Cousin is not a space freak like the rest of us (excluding my hubby who will take me to any movie even when he had no clue what's going on) and she thought it was a great movie also.

So if you want to see a fun, funny, fast moving film I say get your Trek on!

I Think It's Destroyed Blogging!

I'm a bad monkey and can't believe it's been 5 days since I last blogged.

How long has it been for you?

All I know, is that I go down my sidebar and don't find too many updates.

I'm blaming Facebook and Twitter.

140 characters to fill and boom, done. People can comment and even have conversations that seem like instant messaging to me (although I don't do that - I don't like to feel tied to the computer)

I remember sitting at the computer for hours reading blogs and the sites I visited.

Now, I'm lucky if it takes me a half hour to do the rounds, flash through Twitter and look over Facebook.

I'm wondering if blogging has now jumped the shark.

Maybe it's a time thing. In August it will be 4 years of blogging.

I know others have been at it longer and will probably continue on much longer than I could see maintaining a blog.

I should figure out Google Reader and use it already. I know there are some bloggers that have tons of blogs they follow.

Course, it could just be my mood. It's creeping up on bad.

And the TV keeps calling to me. After this week though I think most of my shows go on hiatus. I've been looking for just the right reading lamp so hopefully I'll find a great spot to finally sit and fill up on reading.

The Week That Was

This week was harder than I thought it would be. Actually the last few have been rough.

My best bud's mom died of Cancer last Saturday where she was tended at home by her three adult daughters. The blessing was how fast she deteriorated once the docs said there was nothing else to do.

I was on the phone every night for an hour with BB just listening to her heart breaking. She's lived with her mother all her life and her mother was truly her best friend. Them being Catholic, when BB got pregnant out of wedlock 7 years ago it was her mother who had her back.

BB came back from out west in November and has been taking care of everything right down to the finances. Her father started before her mother died with 'you can't leave me, you have to take care of me'. Let's just say she's in a tough spot.

I'm so glad I could be there even if it was only over the phone. Bob was gone this week and the visitation and funeral were on Tues and Wed. I was all geared up and ready to go and had even told BB. Bless her cause she knows me too well. Bob brought me back to reality when he asked me when was the last time I drove an hour away from home by myself.

Yeah.

I had suggested I could ask my Mom to go with me but I was worried that she would say 'let's go to dinner' or something else I find terrifying.

So I ended up not going and sobbed myself to sleep Monday while Bob was still home. I never really calmed down from that but I answered the phone and was sure to call BB when I knew she would be struggling.

Today she came out for a visit and I was so happy to see her. She's going to have bad days but she did a lot of her grieving before her mother passed (in private on the phone with me and other friends). We all have our own ways. For two years she knew she could call and cry on my shoulder about anything.

Tomorrow is going to be so tough for her because he mother was the one who would get BB's son to get Mom Day card and gift. I hope someone in her large family thinks to do that for her.

So even though my mother and I aren't close like that at all I'll be more than pleased to celebrate her tomorrow with my Aunt and cousin. I wanted to take them out for dinner but I'm betting it'll be a zoo - we'll see how it goes.

Ah well, the things we do for love.

Hopefully tomorrow night this odd insomnia that has struck me will stop. I lay down when I know I'm tired and I can't stop thinking. The other night I couldn't get this song out of my head and it kept me from sleeping for a long while. (I love the ending where there are so many voices so I used this video) It's call Winter Song and the lyrics are Is love alive (I wondered for a while if it was 'is love a lie').



Normally I can sleep on a dime!

Okay, not true, it has to be a gorgeous bed with a down duvet and super soft sheets with soft downy pillows and a purring kitty and

Real Quick

I've taken the sleeping pill and Bob should be calling soon - he always calls me when he is away. He calls before he goes to bed and then again when he is ready for the day. Since I sleep during the day he doesn't have to worry if he is out of touch during those hours.

Geez, I just wanted to warn you I'm blogging under the influence of droopy eyes.

I haven't been reading. I've decided I so lazy that I getting my ass off the couch for any length of time takes an act of sheer will.

I'm overwhelmed by my house.

I'm going to have to enlist my hubby's help to get things cleaned up.

Okay, it's not that the house is dirty, I am currently doing the bathrooms so they are clean and the kitchen sink got a great scrubbing and the laundry has all been put away.

It's the clutter. It's the 'stuff' that is every where. I swear we don't have enough space or storage to put things in a proper spot.

Eg. My husband has a lot of tees. I mean, tons. It's to the point that the two T-shirt drawers he has no longer hold all his tees so they end up on the top of the dresser. Odd mismatched socks also end up there at times. And that's just one surface in the house. I'm telling you, I'm not sure where to start. Sure, I start in our bedroom and then the next laundry basket comes in and BOOM! Things go to the place of least resistance.

Bob's really good at helping me when I point out what is bothering me. I knew something was bugging me, I just thought it was a room at a time but turns out I need storage and a 'place' for every thing in our house. (Let's not talk about how many times Bob has changed our kitchen around - I got mocked at the retirement party because every time I was asked 'where's your skillet' or 'where is whatever' I would go to where it should be and it wouldn't be there. I was yelling for Bob every few minutes. Got to the point the family would ask something, stop mid-sentence and then yell for Bob. I'm pretty sure they all thought I was useless but hey, why he keeps moving things is beyond me.)

Okay, that's my rant for today. I'll let you know if Bob laughs. When he's in 'demo/reno' mode, the rest just gets put on the back burner. I'm ready for Bob's response to be 'but, we'll need to build a closet so we may as well wait until then.'

Just so you know, I have two weird built-ins that don't really hold much and they kind of smell old. Bob said not to worry, he'd knock them out and get a dresser or something.

That was 4 years ago.

If you hear a 'KABOOM' around 6pm, that'll be my head exploding.

Time I'm Not Getting Back

What's sad is I glanced at the last post and saw the line about the day being a waste.

Well, today was also a wash.

My doc put me up for a clinic way back in July or Aug of this past year. I was mostly annoyed with the doc at the time and figured 'what the hell' as in, I had nothing to lose.

A month ago I finally got the letter giving me my appointment time which was today at 1:30pm. Yes, I was pissed about the time but I'm nothing if not willing to try and get better.

For any newbies (really?) I have had panic attacks all my life. I became agoraphobic at around 28 years old after 18 years of almost daily attacks. I then went to get help and climbed my ass out of that hole and live the glamorous life I lead now.

Yes, sarcasm.

Let's just say, I've never fully recovered in that I can't drive too far by myself or really travel anywhere by myself. Thing is, 10 years later I'm not all that upset about my life. It works for me and I'm content. Sure I have bad days where I wonder where I went wrong but I remember there are people dealing with much worse and for the most part, I'm living a charmed life.

But again, I'm nothing if not willing to learn more and get past more hurdles when it comes to anxiety.

So I go to this clinic today.

Keep in mind I've been anxious about it. Wondering what kind of poking they'll be doing and if they'll judge me for the way I am.

I get there and let me tell you the place is partially a sanatorium (if that's where they keep mentally ill people) and it's depressing as any level of hell. Creepy.

So I find my way and I'm taken in by the intake person.

About half an hour later she's asking me why I'm at the clinic.

Huh?

I give the general sum up.

She looks confused.

"Okay, why did your doctor send you here?"

I'm pretty sure I gave her my WTF look. Like I mind read.

"What did your doctor think we could help you with?"

At this point I'm wondering if my doc even sent a note - you know, this patient has XYZ wrong.

I'm confused as to why I would know what my doctor would expect. Hell, I'm not even sure what to expect.

After a few minutes I'm told:

"Uh, this is a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for depression and well, you aren't depressed"

Yep.

No shit I'm not depressed. Where the hell am I!?!

I have to wait longer to see the actual psychiatrist or whatever and get even more flack.

Basically being asked again why my doctor sent me. Again, I don't read minds or mind meld with other people so you are asking the wrong person.

I'm told I have an anxiety disorder (no shit) and that I am avoiding things and that I could go back to the clinic I went to 10 years ago but I don't seem motivated to change.

Did you catch that nugget of judgement?

I don't seem motivated to change.

I drove my ass here and sat for an hour with your intake (social worker) person in what I'm thinking is an insane asylum and stayed long enough to meet you after realizing I was probably not going to get any help from you.

Meh.

Maybe I'm not motivated to change.

Then again, I don't buy into that.

I'm not motivated by the idea that I need to walk into the damn panic attacks and deal. Yeah, that doesn't motivate me in the least.

I walked that path and fought that battle and I'm good.

I'm not stellar but I'm happy. If they come out with some sort of 'cure' then sign me the hell up. Until then, I'm not looking to get all panicky and have full fledged panic attacks because I want to get 20 minutes from my house. Thanks but no thanks.

I'll just wait for Bob to get home and go out with him.

So there's an afternoon I won't be getting back. Let's not talk about the anxiety over the past month. No really, let's not poke the C-Rex.

But hey, I'll take some good news out of it.

I got much deeper into my current book Untamed by Pamela Clare and it rocks! It'll probably take me till next week to finish it because I'm in the middle of a ton of life stuff (I'll tell you later) so there's always that.

I mentioned the place was creepy though, right? Wasn't exactly relaxing while reading. Then they had this radio blasting over these speakers in the waiting room with odd music and talk radio about hospitals.

Bad news?

I now have the image of what a real life insane asylum looks like embedded in the brain. I'm sure it'll make my nightmares just that much more realistic.