Still Here

I'm still here - in the middle of ballot season for AAR so that's keeping me busy.

Also, I'm now playing too many online games - amazing how addictive that stuff can be.

I had taken too much time away from the treadmill so I started that back up 3 days ago. Legs are cramped up but I forgot to stretch out last night after I got off the treadmill so I'm blaming that.

I'm healthier but no lighter for the amount of time I spend on that treadmill thing. An hour a day should have an effect but I guess once again I'm eating way too much. Surprise!

Kitten is doing great except I have discovered I have given her an eating disorder.

Yep.

Since I took her to the vet she won't go near her food dish (the canned food). That's how I caught her the first time was with food. Now she'll hide around corners and look at the food. I'll slide it towards her and she runs. I picked her up the other day thinking if I picked her up and put her back down by her food she might realize the food isn't a trick. Poor thing tore rubber getting away again.

The other night I put her food on the stairs - I think she licked it and then ran.

Poor monkey.

I told Bob I can't feed the cats cause it's heartbreaking to see Pixie hiding under the stove as I get the food out.

Hopefully she'll forget and all will be well again.

I'm almost finished Blaze of Memory - seriously, it's a great story I just don't make the time to sit and read.

Bad Cindy.

I told Bob last night that February is Reading Month. I don't want to hear you have no clean clothes, no food in the house or that it's filthy.

It just will be.

I Bought Books!!

I dragged Bob out tonight (Saturday) and since it was late there were only a few stores open and one of those is Indigo (huge book store)!!

I had a blast and I could have spent hours at the store but I do take into account the person I'm with. Bob's not as thrilled by books as his wife but he left me to it for at least 1/2 hour before he started to hover.

There were a few books I wanted to buy but I figured they might be cheaper if I ordered online so I left the more expensive books behind.

But, what did I buy?

Captive of Sin by Anna Campbell.

Yeah, I'm shocked too as I didn't like her first book. For some reason this title stuck in my head and when I saw it I thought 'eh, why not.' We'll see if I can get to it before the end of the year.

Sounds like the heroine is experienced. But I shouldn't be judging the book by the blurb.

My bad.




Another shocking buy?

Karen Marie Moning's series that doesn't have the Scottish heroes. I tried a book by Moning but I couldn't get past the heroine hiding under a bed while the hero with his heavy Scottish brogue cussed her out. May have been my mood but it wasn't working for me.

I had planned to try another book by this author but had been stalling. Then I heard about this new series by Karen Marie Moning - looks like it's called The Fever series.

The Book Binge Ladies got me intrigued and I saw others who have tried the series and seemed to be enjoying it. Once I realized it had nothing to do with the Highlander series I figured I had to give them a try.

While looking over the backblurb I noticed the books are about one heroine and decided on the spot to buy the three books that existed on the shelf. Hey, if I love the first book I'll be chomping at the bit to read the second so I caved and bought all I could.



And finally -

Nora Robert's books.

I know, I think I must have bumped my head. It's not that I don't enjoy NR, it was the response I had to one book years ago that had me steering clear. (I can't remember the title now but the father had Alzheimer's and it was the first time I had ever really encountered the disease and wow, I was blown away and torn apart. Crying while reading is so not my thing.) I picked up the Vision in White and saw that it will probably be an 'easy' read in that it doesn't look like it will be an epic family saga.

And since I was getting this one I may as well buy Bed of Roses too. So I did.

I'm going to buy a few other books but I don't think they will be romance books. There are these books called 'Eat This - Not That' that have been intriguing me lately. Best bud lent me her four but I think 2 new ones have been released so I'll be checking those out online. I've already checked one store and they are cheaper online so I made a good decision there!

Okay, off to watch some TV.

Hope you are all having a great weekend!

The Sun Called and Told Me To Get Off!

The first week of the AAR Annual Reader's poll is not quite over but let me tell you, loading in ballots has kept me busy. I do so enjoy this time of year and I'm eyeing my TBR pile with every ballot that comes in.

So I'm busier on the computer but I haven't been on the treadmill this week.

See, last week (either Wed or Thurs night) Bob and I went into the grocery story. Now, I don't enjoy grocery shopping as a rule and I think we had been out of the house for a while so I was more than ready to go home but meh, we needed bread.

Now, around 'that' time of the month I become a bit of a furnace. It's uncomfortable to say the least but I can manage for the most part.

Thing was, it wasn't near 'that' time of the month so it was quite a shock for both Bob and I when I started stripping in the middle of the grocery store.

I think steam may have been rising off me because Bob started to veer away from me. C-Rex was about to emerge and Bob was looking to get far away. Meanwhile, I just wanted to get out of the store already and Bob kept walking away with the buggy and well, things went downhill fast.

I'm pretty sure I grabbed the cart from the front end and dragged it and Bob to the check out.

I stood there while God knows who ahead of me had to look for that last darn penny in the bottom of the enormous sack they called a purse. At this point, I can safely say death was stalking me. I finally cracked and went flying down the checkouts looking for a cooler and about climbed in. I grabbed the coke and cracked it like a jonsing sugar freak and guzzled until my mouth temperature was below the 'breathing flames' level it had reached.

Bob hid outside while I paid for the groceries and oh yeah, this half a bottle of pop I just downed while standing in line. I actually asked the kid if he was hot. He kindly said yes probably because he was afraid of the lady with the sweat streaming down her face. Bob gave me the 'no one was hot in the store, it was only you' sentence when we finally got back in the car.

I got home and I swear I stripped out of all my clothes and sat without moving for 1/2 an hour before I began to feel sane again.

I didn't get on the treadmill that night because bursting into flames is not a long term goal for me.

Now, a week later, it is 'that' time of the month and the internal furnace is running way too hot to get on the treadmill and not come off without flames shooting from my hair.

All that to say I'm feeling sluggish and lazy because I haven't got on the treadmill.

I did however, grab a small fan from my parents house to duct tape to the treadmill for the next time I get on.

Death may have been stalking me that night but I'm thinking Bob must have looked it in the eyes - Cause that man found an extension cord in under 5 minutes when I asked for one.

Poor guy. I haven't even plugged the fan in yet. But the extension cord is ready and waiting!

YA Books - Why?

This question occurred to me the other day.

There are many romance readers who also read YA novels. This has always been a head scratcher for me. As I've mentioned before, I like sex in my books and sexualizing a young teen is very icky to me. With the rise of books like Twilight which is very much a love story I wonder why I can't get on board with YA books. I just have no temptation to pick one up.

Having puzzled on this for years it occurred to me that maybe it's because I read YA books when I was a YA.

Hear me out.

As a young teen/tween, I read YA books. I didn't discover romance books until I was 18. For me, it was teen angst and romance (or lack thereof) that rambled through my head. I didn't know it then but I could have been a voracious reader if I had a) the money to buy more books and b) felt comfortable enough to use the library system.

Since I was on a limited budget and I couldn't afford the late fees or the pondering stares (all in my head of course) my reading stash was tiny. Still, I enjoyed all those stories so much. I remember the Sweet Valley High phase - boy, I had a lot of those books. What I don't remember as well are the books that I read as I got older. The ones that touched on relationships and sex more than any other books I had read.

Then at 18 I discovered romance books and I never looked back.

So I'm wondering if maybe I already had my fill of YA books. Since I don't have kids I have no need to read YA books to be knowledgeable about what my kids are reading. In reality there is no open door for me to walk in or fall through.

So for those readers who read YA books and who left their YA -hood behind more than a few years ago - what do you think?

Did you read YA books when you were a YA or did you miss that phase in your reading? I know many romance readers came to romance much earlier than I did so I wondered if that made a difference.

If not, what draws you to YA books?

AAR Annual Reader's Poll

Being a pollster, I can safely say the next 2 weeks are going to be busy. The AAR annual reader's poll will go up on Monday and the ballots are sure to rush in.

This year we're only running it for 2 weeks so I don't see there being a lot of down time for me until the 31st when the poll ends - oh wait, it will take a few days longer cause of last minute ballots.

I'll try to pop in and let you know how life is going but I'm also going to try and read more. I'm reading Blaze of Memory by Nalini Singh and I'm really enjoying it. Still, too many plans to let me just sit in peace and read to my heart's content.

Although after this weekend, I won't have any birthdays until the first week of February. Sweet!

And Pixie may have come out of her heat - phew! But she goes in on Monday *sad* and I won't really feel better until she is back home and causing Emma heart ache.

Sadly, Emma has finally calmed down enough to let the kitten clean her - Amber used to clean Emma all the time cause she was the baby - so Bob saw the kitten cleaning Em and told me about it. I thought, finally Emma has her role of 'being the doted on one' back. Where it's sad, kitten will smell of vet and it'll take weeks for Emma to stop hissing again.

Ah well, such is life around here.

How's it going in your life?

More Stuff

1. I'm feeling horrible for our kitten Pixie. (Isn't she just gorgeous! Tonight Bob caught a glimpse of her belly and saw a white spot - I also just discovered it this morning! I swear her colouring changes daily - she has like 4 colours on her Black, grey, white, rust/brown - the white is under her chin, on her chest and now on her belly - too cute! Okay, enough squeeing from me)

She gets spayed next Monday and I'm freaking out a bit about her having to stay at the vet's office over night. Gah.

But that's not why I'm feeling horrible.

Looks like I was a week too late for her to not experience her first heat.

Poor sad sack is about crawling up the walls. Bob was saying the other night he was amazed at how talkative Pixie had become and WHAM, it hit me.

Amber was 7 months (they assumed) when we adopted her and she spoke her mind nightly for probably a month before getting fixed. It was only later we realized that she wasn't that talkative normally.

So yeah, Pixie's in heat and when she really starts to caterwaul I feel so bad for her. If only I had called the vet a week earlier she may not have had to go through this. Gah.

2. I got up today and headed off to a restaurant I drag Bob too every once in a while. I have gone there 3 days in a row now. Today I ate so much that I was in pain for a few hours afterwards. I'm hoping that cured my newest addiction to this place cause I can't continue eating like that. Yikes!

3. After hours on the sofa I decided I needed to get on the treadmill to help the tummy digest. I was fine until 38 minutes. I stopped at 40 minutes as it was either that or puke.

Once again, hoping that keeps me from going to the restaurant for a 4th day in a row.

4. Bob was supposed to be out late tonight (hence my over eating at lunch) so I didn't worry about dinner or anything. He got home much earlier which was nice.

The surprise was when I turned to say hi to him after he got in the door and he stopped dead. 'You look so relaxed! I'm so glad!'

Guess I wore all that holiday stress and early year anxiety openly.

5. I have no plans tomorrow. Makes me very happy!

6. I bought a silly hat for the cats and had planned to put it on Pixie. Well, I didn't know Pixie would hide for 3 days so instead I put it on Emma. I know she looks like she's ready to kill someone but seriously, she was purring so hard because she was the center of attention it was just too funny.

Another Life Post

I went to the Anxiety Clinic today.

I'm in the thick of it now.

I'm open, you guys have definitely helped me with that. When I started blogging I wasn't going to censor myself - I have panic attacks and I wasn't going to pretend I didn't. I have to admit, I also thought I would never meet any of you in person so I wasn't afraid to 'show' myself. In the end, you have all accepted me just the way I am and getting to meet so many of you has been a blessing for me.

So yeah, I'm open and the uh - you know, I never remember the terms for these professionals - cracked me like a walnut shell.

It turns out dinners aren't the problem (shocked me it did) - it just turns out I had my first panic attack during dinner so I have always associated my panic attacks with dining events.

She also told me I had too many rules.

WTF?

I mean, yeah, I do but uh, I like my rules.

Apparently I'll have to lose the rules. Ugh.

I then also mentioned how I haven't tried to get a job because I'm afraid of the interview *because* of the panic attacks.

I did say out loud to her 'You're going to make me go on job interviews, aren't you.'

But she nailed it. I wouldn't have gone there if I thought my life was perfect as it is. I'm happy with my life but I know I can do better so in May sometime I will be starting a 12 week course of 24 hours where I'll be made to walk into my fears.

I understand the concept - it's desensitization. The deal with me is I had 8 years of daily panic attacks between ages of 10 and 18. They never lessened in severity and they were horrible. I guess I just have to give in and try it again.

Oh, and she told me Bob had to stop indulging me.

I told her I liked that he indulged me. She smiled.

Honestly, on that front, I'm not prepared to do much because I need someone who will still sympathize and not try and goad me when I really need comfort.

And he didn't indulge me on Saturday - he understood and told me if I didn't go my panic would get worse. He was right and I knew it so we faced it. Together.

I like together.

I'm guessing though that I'll be doing a few things in the next year all by myself.

Scared and excited all at the same time.

Scared I'm used to. I'm have to say I'm surprised by the excitement.

So all in all a good day.

Keeping It Together

I'm just slightly freaking out.

I can't explain it but hey, I'm always game to try.

See, for 2 years my Dad has been in Malaysia so Bob and I would drop in and pick my Mom up and take her out to dinner. Now, it was tough in the beginning but with some panic pills I managed and finally got to the point that I didn't need the pills anymore.

Now my Dad is back full-time and well, I knew it was going to happen. I should mention I had my family trained to know that I didn't go out to restaurants. I never explained and they eventually figured out that I wasn't budging from my house to go to a restaurant.

Now I've been going with my Mom for the past year and Dad is home and excited to go out to dinner with the three of us (Bob, me and Mom). I gave myself a talking to earlier this month about how I was going to be 40 and way too mature to have silly things like panic attacks.

Turns out I'm a big baby.

My father called last night to ask Bob and I to dinner at a restaurant - I couldn't go because I had been up since 2am and trying to sit at a dinner table was beyond me. So Bob lied and told him I had gone to bed 1/2 hour before (I did go to bed later on) but that maybe we could go today.

It's 11am and I'm a wee bit beside myself. I try not to let my brain wander to 5pm but when it does I get a jolt. I think I'm walking the line of anxiety and I don't know whether to take a pill now, wait until 4pm or what. I've only ever taken 2 pills but my doc has said you take as many as you need in a day. I never really thought about it because I usually know 'take pill now' kind of thing and I have never needed more than 2.

I so don't want to google this drug because I'm sure I'll just see a bunch of stuff that'll make me even more anxious and who needs that. Gah.

I'm going to take one now and see if I can calm down.

Anxiety truly sucks. I also have an appt on Tuesday with the anxiety clinic - did it 10 years ago but hey, maybe they have drugs that don't cause weight gain! Could happen. So I think that is playing into this as well.

Enough complaining. Off to calm down.

1000th Post - I'm Chatty

I went to put up the Re-read Challenge icon on my sidebar when I noticed that I had 999 published posts.

Blows my mind it does.
If you had asked me when I started this blog if I would ever have 1000 posts I would have laughed. Heck, I am laughing. I think this is evidence that I can start something and keep at it.

Interesting.

Let's make this post about reading.

After thinking for a while about the changes I wanted to make in 2010 (exercise, food, prescriptions) I realized I hadn't set any goals about reading. My main fear is how I can set myself up for failure and failure is not a good head space for me.

Then I realized I have been on the treadmill for 2 months before this, I have made decisions and were sticking with them so I should get a reward!

Since candy and chocolate and pop and restaurants are not really an option anymore, why not more reading? I deserve it!

I remember when I used to barely get dinner on the table because I didn't put my book down when the dinger on the stove went off. I remember laundry sitting in a pile while I read every page of the book I was currently reading. Okay, I remember summers where I laid on my bed with a book propped up in my hand for hours on end.

I know other things have taken up my time but I can always make time for reading. And after a month like December, when you come out muddied in the brain and have no creative juices flowing in your toes let alone your brain, you need that pick me up of visiting another place, time, people.

Okay, I'm going to come out here.

Do you find that your imagination takes a nose dive when you aren't reading?

I have a vivid imagination. As a kid, it was way too vivid - imagined all sorts of evils that didn't exist and such. I learned as I got older that seeing a movie or real life show through to the end kept my brain from running amok with the odd its and bits it had.

(side note: I think I need to know more about this Ralph Waldo Emerson dude)

There are only really two ways for me to decide on something. Either none at all (will probably never watch Saving Private Ryan because I have heard about the first 20 minutes of the movie and the reality is probably worse than my imagination so I'll leave that to imagination and not knowing enough about the facts) or two, all in. There aren't any half measures for me because of the vivid imagination.

That said, my imagination dulls when it has no fuel. I have noticed this with TV shows also. If a TV show catches my brain it can play with it for months. Let's not get into how messed up my brain gets with movies that have ambiguous endings. Ugh.

So another way of looking at this is that I have to feed my brain something to play with and reading has always made my brain happy.

I'm going to join Nath's re-read challenge because it allows me to pick up books I have wanted to re-read for years without guilt. Why guilt is ever involved in reading books is beyond me but hey, it's there for some strange reason. And since I don't really have too many auto-buy authors I can read almost exclusively from my TBR pile.

Course, I did get some serious gift cards for books!

1000 posts and I'm excited to get going.

Who knew?

High Hopes

I have to say that I have high hopes for 2010. I'm not sure where all this resolve has come from but I guess I'm ready to make a few changes and instead of being afraid or overwhelmed I'm hopeful and dare I say joyful about the possibilities of this year.

(This is a rare baby Cotton Top monkey and he makes me happy! - I swear I want it as my new avatar!)

I didn't really think about the year and it only hit me the other night that another decade has fallen away and I feel like it was a 'blink' in time. Yikes. So instead of worrying about things I can't do I'm going to try and focus on the things I want to change.

I already talked about the treadmill. I haven't been on it since Bob got on holidays so Monday is going to be fierce - for pain anyways. But I'm ready.

Food. Me and food are not friendly. I eat whatever takes my fancy and the food in turn globs onto my body and makes me super lumpy. Yuck.

So I need to have an actual relationship with food, even if it's a 'fuck you' kind of relationship and think about what it is I'm eating. We'll see how that pans out but I want to buy the book about the belly fat cure. It's about sugar in your diet and looking at my friend (who has never been fat but because she is so skinny you notice her little paunch - she no longer has it since adopting a sugar free (on weekends it's okay) diet) and Bob, I can see it makes a huge difference in body fat.

Here's hoping it deals with all fat and not just belly flub.

I'll be adding resistance to my 'workout' to build muscle and since I'm a weakling, muscle is probably a good thing.

I'm looking forward to taking time to read now. My dad is home from Malaysia which means Bob and I won't have to go out and see my mom every few days (not that that sucked but it did cut down on reading time). I also need to cut back on spending so staying in and reading and cooking dinner are the perfect options!

I'm hoping some of my online game obsessions have reached their peak (okay, I think they are still there but the shine has tarnished and my brain isn't looking for diversion anymore - must have been that Christmas thing).

TV is always a bad habit but that one hour of hiking on the treadmill keeps me happy enough to not obsess over this. After all LOST will be back on and few new series might be coming out.

By the way, Jay Leno and NBC have killed TV.

I'm just saying.

Oh, I threw a doozy at Bob on New Year's Eve about uh, money. Floored the man I did. But sometimes getting someone to see the reality means a hard lesson and boy, we earned it. We're fine and no worries - it was just that we have a mortgage and then a line of credit. While our mortgage is diving downwards the line of credit has been creeping upwards. I was aware of it because I pay everything. I tried to get Bob to understand but no, it took our LC getting to a point where I said to Bob 'hey, that LC that you think is 'this much' is actually 'this much'.

He didnt' leave me.

So we're on track now and have a plan - remember how I can't say no to BF? Yeah, try me saying no to Bob. Doesn't happen. So having Bob on my side when financial decisions are being made helps immensely.

Course, the next day he was telling me about these dressers he had seen and how they are perfect for our bathroom renovation.

One day.

He rolled his eyes and said, 'we'll just know where they are and I can do the plumbing in prep'. I've seen the plumbing problems that happen when the unit is in the house, can't imagine what will happen if we are 'guessing'.

Living and learning. I guess that's how we roll.

Any plans for the new year? I don't do resolutions as much as plans. Cause resolutions scare the crap out of me!