It's Okay

I'm not dead (a la Rosie), just trying to get through weird brain time.

Sucks to have to change meds (ween off and then back on). Nothing like getting part way through and having all your self-doubts come screaming back up at ya. Wednesday was a bad, bad, self-hatred day. Finally took an anxiety pill (take them when having a panic attack or when you feel one coming on) to see if I could get the negative thoughts in the head to just back the hell up off me.

Bob was a prince considering I called him at work all weepy and full of self loathing. I asked him if he thought *this* was the real me (I know it isn't but logic gets fuzzy when you can't think straight) and that I was a miserable, sad, pathetic excuse of a human. Bobby surely loves me cause he didn't hang up ;) He talked me down which was probably hard in a meeting with a bunch of guys but I'm not shy about my life so much so I don't care and Bob knows I'm open about my situation with people. So even if he had to get off the phone and say 'the wife is crawling the edge' I know he'd say it with compassion.

I slept for 15 hours after I hung up. I have been sleeping 12 - 14 hours when I finally get tired enough to lay down. I'm not taking anything for sleep (which I normally do) so I'm surprised at how hard it is to stay up right now.

You know how when you finally make up your mind about something and you know it's right only to have everything seem to fall into place the way things are?

Yeah.

That was how this past month turned out. I didn't have nearly as much anxiety as I figured I'd have and the long weekend was positively blissful for me. How do you change meds when suddenly everything looks good again.

So I'm scared and hopeful that I've made the right choice because I *hate* when the negative feelings take over.

FYI, when changing meds (for anxiety or depression) you have to ween yourself off and then ween yourself back onto the new med. That leaves about 4 weeks of your brain and body getting used to the side effects - not to mention heading back into anxiety full throttle. I didn't want to deal with it in the summer so I stayed on the dose I was on all of August when my doc really wanted me to take 6 weeks to ween off.

Because she was on holidays!

Hell, no!

So I'm weening off much faster than she would think (I did it the same the last time but she doesn't remember) cause the headaches and vivid dreams I can take. Prolonging self-doubt, negativity, anxiety and self loathing not on my to do list.

I'm also struggling to stay focused on any one thing - I'm like a bird surrounded by shiny things only my wings are broken. It was all I could do to feed myself today.

I know, what a goob.

I'm getting out of the house for a bit to stave off any bad thoughts creeping in. Best friend and God kids should keep me on an even keel. It's the nice part about daywalking. Other people are up and I can go visit!

I also think chocolate will by on my list of things to 'do'.