Another Life Post

I went to the Anxiety Clinic today.

I'm in the thick of it now.

I'm open, you guys have definitely helped me with that. When I started blogging I wasn't going to censor myself - I have panic attacks and I wasn't going to pretend I didn't. I have to admit, I also thought I would never meet any of you in person so I wasn't afraid to 'show' myself. In the end, you have all accepted me just the way I am and getting to meet so many of you has been a blessing for me.

So yeah, I'm open and the uh - you know, I never remember the terms for these professionals - cracked me like a walnut shell.

It turns out dinners aren't the problem (shocked me it did) - it just turns out I had my first panic attack during dinner so I have always associated my panic attacks with dining events.

She also told me I had too many rules.

WTF?

I mean, yeah, I do but uh, I like my rules.

Apparently I'll have to lose the rules. Ugh.

I then also mentioned how I haven't tried to get a job because I'm afraid of the interview *because* of the panic attacks.

I did say out loud to her 'You're going to make me go on job interviews, aren't you.'

But she nailed it. I wouldn't have gone there if I thought my life was perfect as it is. I'm happy with my life but I know I can do better so in May sometime I will be starting a 12 week course of 24 hours where I'll be made to walk into my fears.

I understand the concept - it's desensitization. The deal with me is I had 8 years of daily panic attacks between ages of 10 and 18. They never lessened in severity and they were horrible. I guess I just have to give in and try it again.

Oh, and she told me Bob had to stop indulging me.

I told her I liked that he indulged me. She smiled.

Honestly, on that front, I'm not prepared to do much because I need someone who will still sympathize and not try and goad me when I really need comfort.

And he didn't indulge me on Saturday - he understood and told me if I didn't go my panic would get worse. He was right and I knew it so we faced it. Together.

I like together.

I'm guessing though that I'll be doing a few things in the next year all by myself.

Scared and excited all at the same time.

Scared I'm used to. I'm have to say I'm surprised by the excitement.

So all in all a good day.

Time I'm Not Getting Back

What's sad is I glanced at the last post and saw the line about the day being a waste.

Well, today was also a wash.

My doc put me up for a clinic way back in July or Aug of this past year. I was mostly annoyed with the doc at the time and figured 'what the hell' as in, I had nothing to lose.

A month ago I finally got the letter giving me my appointment time which was today at 1:30pm. Yes, I was pissed about the time but I'm nothing if not willing to try and get better.

For any newbies (really?) I have had panic attacks all my life. I became agoraphobic at around 28 years old after 18 years of almost daily attacks. I then went to get help and climbed my ass out of that hole and live the glamorous life I lead now.

Yes, sarcasm.

Let's just say, I've never fully recovered in that I can't drive too far by myself or really travel anywhere by myself. Thing is, 10 years later I'm not all that upset about my life. It works for me and I'm content. Sure I have bad days where I wonder where I went wrong but I remember there are people dealing with much worse and for the most part, I'm living a charmed life.

But again, I'm nothing if not willing to learn more and get past more hurdles when it comes to anxiety.

So I go to this clinic today.

Keep in mind I've been anxious about it. Wondering what kind of poking they'll be doing and if they'll judge me for the way I am.

I get there and let me tell you the place is partially a sanatorium (if that's where they keep mentally ill people) and it's depressing as any level of hell. Creepy.

So I find my way and I'm taken in by the intake person.

About half an hour later she's asking me why I'm at the clinic.

Huh?

I give the general sum up.

She looks confused.

"Okay, why did your doctor send you here?"

I'm pretty sure I gave her my WTF look. Like I mind read.

"What did your doctor think we could help you with?"

At this point I'm wondering if my doc even sent a note - you know, this patient has XYZ wrong.

I'm confused as to why I would know what my doctor would expect. Hell, I'm not even sure what to expect.

After a few minutes I'm told:

"Uh, this is a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for depression and well, you aren't depressed"

Yep.

No shit I'm not depressed. Where the hell am I!?!

I have to wait longer to see the actual psychiatrist or whatever and get even more flack.

Basically being asked again why my doctor sent me. Again, I don't read minds or mind meld with other people so you are asking the wrong person.

I'm told I have an anxiety disorder (no shit) and that I am avoiding things and that I could go back to the clinic I went to 10 years ago but I don't seem motivated to change.

Did you catch that nugget of judgement?

I don't seem motivated to change.

I drove my ass here and sat for an hour with your intake (social worker) person in what I'm thinking is an insane asylum and stayed long enough to meet you after realizing I was probably not going to get any help from you.

Meh.

Maybe I'm not motivated to change.

Then again, I don't buy into that.

I'm not motivated by the idea that I need to walk into the damn panic attacks and deal. Yeah, that doesn't motivate me in the least.

I walked that path and fought that battle and I'm good.

I'm not stellar but I'm happy. If they come out with some sort of 'cure' then sign me the hell up. Until then, I'm not looking to get all panicky and have full fledged panic attacks because I want to get 20 minutes from my house. Thanks but no thanks.

I'll just wait for Bob to get home and go out with him.

So there's an afternoon I won't be getting back. Let's not talk about the anxiety over the past month. No really, let's not poke the C-Rex.

But hey, I'll take some good news out of it.

I got much deeper into my current book Untamed by Pamela Clare and it rocks! It'll probably take me till next week to finish it because I'm in the middle of a ton of life stuff (I'll tell you later) so there's always that.

I mentioned the place was creepy though, right? Wasn't exactly relaxing while reading. Then they had this radio blasting over these speakers in the waiting room with odd music and talk radio about hospitals.

Bad news?

I now have the image of what a real life insane asylum looks like embedded in the brain. I'm sure it'll make my nightmares just that much more realistic.

Anxiety, I Know Thy Name

It's 2am which is normal for me to be up at but even though I'm trying hard to distract myself, my brain is managing to affect my body with it's anxious ways.

Tomorrow (Today) is my former best friend's wedding day.

For those needing a catch up - we were friends from birth (is how we used to tell it, I was two years older) and best friends until somewhere around my 26th birthday. Everything fell off the rails around then and I don't know why but I now know that this happens to many people with friendships. Now normally two people who can't seem to talk anymore would go their seperate ways but our families are also the best of friends so somehow we are thrown together and I'm left floundering trying to re-connect while she tries to pretend there is nothing at all wrong.

All right, we all here?

Side Trip!

Years ago while we were still best friends I played a prank on her by telling her I had become engaged and was going to get married to someone she had never met. Well, that back fired on me HUGE because she was horribly hurt that I had been dating someone, let alone was going to marry someone she had never met. Keep in mind, I wasn't dating or anything, it was a joke and apparently I suck at them. So after many tears and lots of apologizing we laughed it off. (This was years before things really did fall apart)

Karma? You betcha. I haven't ever met the man she is about to marry. Hell, I didn't know she was dating anyone seriously so I was somewhat surprised when I was told she was engaged to be married by someone other than her.

Ah, yes, my youthful stupidity always comes back to bite me in the ass.

That said there is an evil, dark side of me that wants to lean in tomorrow while in the reception line and say 'at least I was only joking' but A) tomorrow is not about me and B) that would be cruelty beyond my capability or even C-Rex's oh, and C) she probably wouldn't have a clue what I was saying.

And we're back!

I recently blogged about how going to her bridal shower affected me emotionally. I just didn't expect there to be anything left in me to hurt and yet, there it was.

So even though I know tomorrow has NOTHING to do with me, I'm probably going to be a broken mess of sobs propped on Bob's shoulder late Saturday night after leaving the event.

Afterall, I figure there are people who do know how Carolyn truly feels about me and that they'll be at the wedding. Ouch. Already it hurts.

Poor Bob. He's barely holding on to his tongue. He would love nothing more than to tell everyone how much I hurt but I have told him I can't be the one to pass my hurt onto everyone else.

What continues to be painful is that there is this feeling among the families that it was me that did something wrong. That I did something to make the 'perfect C_______' upset with me.

Okay, I'm going to blog out so that I don't get to angry or upset or say something stupid. I'm still feeling like I want to puke but I'm hoping that will pass.

Bob told me this week that Sunday morning will mark the moment that he feels I will be free from being put in hurtful positions. I don't have the heart to tell him that's probably not true. He's partially pissed we're even going to the wedding because even though we have asked them to visit us, they have never made that choice.

I think it's also hard for Bob when I ask him if he is sure he's really happy. "Afterall, I had a best friend who I thought would be there till the day I died and they left me after 25 years so anything is possible".

If anything I hope the break taught me to be more open, accepting, honest and forgiving in my friendships with others.

So if you just happen to wonder in here and it's Saturday maybe you could send a little emotional strength my way. It will be greatly appreciated.