I went to the Anxiety Clinic today.
I'm in the thick of it now.
I'm open, you guys have definitely helped me with that. When I started blogging I wasn't going to censor myself - I have panic attacks and I wasn't going to pretend I didn't. I have to admit, I also thought I would never meet any of you in person so I wasn't afraid to 'show' myself. In the end, you have all accepted me just the way I am and getting to meet so many of you has been a blessing for me.
So yeah, I'm open and the uh - you know, I never remember the terms for these professionals - cracked me like a walnut shell.
It turns out dinners aren't the problem (shocked me it did) - it just turns out I had my first panic attack during dinner so I have always associated my panic attacks with dining events.
She also told me I had too many rules.
I mean, yeah, I do but uh, I like my rules.
Apparently I'll have to lose the rules. Ugh.
I then also mentioned how I haven't tried to get a job because I'm afraid of the interview *because* of the panic attacks.
I did say out loud to her 'You're going to make me go on job interviews, aren't you.'
But she nailed it. I wouldn't have gone there if I thought my life was perfect as it is. I'm happy with my life but I know I can do better so in May sometime I will be starting a 12 week course of 24 hours where I'll be made to walk into my fears.
I understand the concept - it's desensitization. The deal with me is I had 8 years of daily panic attacks between ages of 10 and 18. They never lessened in severity and they were horrible. I guess I just have to give in and try it again.
Oh, and she told me Bob had to stop indulging me.
I told her I liked that he indulged me. She smiled.
Honestly, on that front, I'm not prepared to do much because I need someone who will still sympathize and not try and goad me when I really need comfort.
And he didn't indulge me on Saturday - he understood and told me if I didn't go my panic would get worse. He was right and I knew it so we faced it. Together.
I like together.
I'm guessing though that I'll be doing a few things in the next year all by myself.
Scared and excited all at the same time.
Scared I'm used to. I'm have to say I'm surprised by the excitement.
So all in all a good day.