Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Another Life Post

I went to the Anxiety Clinic today.

I'm in the thick of it now.

I'm open, you guys have definitely helped me with that. When I started blogging I wasn't going to censor myself - I have panic attacks and I wasn't going to pretend I didn't. I have to admit, I also thought I would never meet any of you in person so I wasn't afraid to 'show' myself. In the end, you have all accepted me just the way I am and getting to meet so many of you has been a blessing for me.

So yeah, I'm open and the uh - you know, I never remember the terms for these professionals - cracked me like a walnut shell.

It turns out dinners aren't the problem (shocked me it did) - it just turns out I had my first panic attack during dinner so I have always associated my panic attacks with dining events.

She also told me I had too many rules.


I mean, yeah, I do but uh, I like my rules.

Apparently I'll have to lose the rules. Ugh.

I then also mentioned how I haven't tried to get a job because I'm afraid of the interview *because* of the panic attacks.

I did say out loud to her 'You're going to make me go on job interviews, aren't you.'

But she nailed it. I wouldn't have gone there if I thought my life was perfect as it is. I'm happy with my life but I know I can do better so in May sometime I will be starting a 12 week course of 24 hours where I'll be made to walk into my fears.

I understand the concept - it's desensitization. The deal with me is I had 8 years of daily panic attacks between ages of 10 and 18. They never lessened in severity and they were horrible. I guess I just have to give in and try it again.

Oh, and she told me Bob had to stop indulging me.

I told her I liked that he indulged me. She smiled.

Honestly, on that front, I'm not prepared to do much because I need someone who will still sympathize and not try and goad me when I really need comfort.

And he didn't indulge me on Saturday - he understood and told me if I didn't go my panic would get worse. He was right and I knew it so we faced it. Together.

I like together.

I'm guessing though that I'll be doing a few things in the next year all by myself.

Scared and excited all at the same time.

Scared I'm used to. I'm have to say I'm surprised by the excitement.

So all in all a good day.


Holly said...

Oh Cindy, I think it's wonderful that you've gone to speak to someone about it. I expect it will be hard, but I'm sure it'll be worth it.

Course, I like you just how you are, so if it doesn't work out I'll still be here.

Because I hope it DOES work out, how about some incentive? I'm inviting you to Southern California to visit..in a year. You're welcome to stay with me in my book room, and we'll do a So Cal Blogger Meet so you can hang out with all of us. It'll be wonderful.

Come on, you know you want to...

Alaine - Queen of Happy Endings said...

Cindy, you are so brave! Thanks for sharing your story. There are so many bloggers that I've come across that have various problems in their lives. It's nice to know you are not alone. Bloggers are so nice at sharing and caring.

Good luck with your new treatment, I hope it goes smoothly for you!

AAR Rachel said...

I've had anxiety issues in the past and have done some "desensitivity training." It's hard, really hard to make yourself do things you go out of your way to avoid doing normally in order to feel safer. But on the other side is freedom, and it's worth it. Best, best, BEST of luck to your in your endeavors here, Cindy.

nath said...

I think it's awesome that you're taking steps to improve your life. Like you said, you're happy, it'd be so easy to just be content... but no, you want more and that takes guts :) It would seriously be awesome if you could travel... and we'll definitively cheer you on :D

CindyS said...

Holly - lol!! I'm not sure I can get there in a year!! It's taken me 10 years to get an hour away! And I want to - I'm just thinking it'll be much later in life ;)

Alaine - thank you! Yes, it's great to discover others who have similar problems or completely different ones. Makes you realize you aren't really any different than anyone else. Just a different set of cards.

Rachel - I did not know that! It is hard and scary and mind blowing but I'm ready to take the next step. Win or fail - I'm doing!

Nath - thanks so much! It'd be easy to just be me but I know I can do more, it's just taken me a while to remember that ;)

Thanks guys - like I said, blogging helped me to communicate better because my 'stuff' was all out there. Learning people are okay with it helps to make the monster smaller and maybe easier to tackle.


Lynn Spencer said...

I think it's brave and wonderful that you're going ahead with this. One of my best friends suffered from panic attacks off and on for over 10 years and sought treatment for it. I know it was scary for her at first, but it really did get better. Wishing you all the best on the new treatment!

C2 said...

A plan of attack is excellent! And being open to making a plan is excellent too. :)

And if you ever make it to visit Holly, you better plan to visit me...a year or two later. O:-) I'm closer, even! A little...probably.

sybil said...

We lurve you no matter what but good for you. And do let us know how it goes ;)

CindyS said...

Lynn - thank you! And I'm so happy for your best friend. I did get treatment 10 years ago but I was agoraphobic (I couldn't leave the house - did to go to doctor and to get help - couldn't even go to the grocery store) and I'm as normal as I thought I would get but I guess I want more ;)

C2 - I'm coming!!! And hey, if you are ever in Canada ;)

Sybil - *hugs* Love you guys too! And yeah, you guys will probably have to suffer along with me ;)


ReneeW said...

Oh Cindy, I'm so proud of you for taking these steps to improve your life. Like everyone says, it will be worth it. But no matter the results we will love you no matter what. Keep us updated. I love to read your personal stories :) You have such a wonderful sense of humor and you make me laugh.

Megan Frampton said...

Yay, Cindy! Good luck, we are all rooting for you!