Anxiety, I Know Thy Name

It's 2am which is normal for me to be up at but even though I'm trying hard to distract myself, my brain is managing to affect my body with it's anxious ways.

Tomorrow (Today) is my former best friend's wedding day.

For those needing a catch up - we were friends from birth (is how we used to tell it, I was two years older) and best friends until somewhere around my 26th birthday. Everything fell off the rails around then and I don't know why but I now know that this happens to many people with friendships. Now normally two people who can't seem to talk anymore would go their seperate ways but our families are also the best of friends so somehow we are thrown together and I'm left floundering trying to re-connect while she tries to pretend there is nothing at all wrong.

All right, we all here?

Side Trip!

Years ago while we were still best friends I played a prank on her by telling her I had become engaged and was going to get married to someone she had never met. Well, that back fired on me HUGE because she was horribly hurt that I had been dating someone, let alone was going to marry someone she had never met. Keep in mind, I wasn't dating or anything, it was a joke and apparently I suck at them. So after many tears and lots of apologizing we laughed it off. (This was years before things really did fall apart)

Karma? You betcha. I haven't ever met the man she is about to marry. Hell, I didn't know she was dating anyone seriously so I was somewhat surprised when I was told she was engaged to be married by someone other than her.

Ah, yes, my youthful stupidity always comes back to bite me in the ass.

That said there is an evil, dark side of me that wants to lean in tomorrow while in the reception line and say 'at least I was only joking' but A) tomorrow is not about me and B) that would be cruelty beyond my capability or even C-Rex's oh, and C) she probably wouldn't have a clue what I was saying.

And we're back!

I recently blogged about how going to her bridal shower affected me emotionally. I just didn't expect there to be anything left in me to hurt and yet, there it was.

So even though I know tomorrow has NOTHING to do with me, I'm probably going to be a broken mess of sobs propped on Bob's shoulder late Saturday night after leaving the event.

Afterall, I figure there are people who do know how Carolyn truly feels about me and that they'll be at the wedding. Ouch. Already it hurts.

Poor Bob. He's barely holding on to his tongue. He would love nothing more than to tell everyone how much I hurt but I have told him I can't be the one to pass my hurt onto everyone else.

What continues to be painful is that there is this feeling among the families that it was me that did something wrong. That I did something to make the 'perfect C_______' upset with me.

Okay, I'm going to blog out so that I don't get to angry or upset or say something stupid. I'm still feeling like I want to puke but I'm hoping that will pass.

Bob told me this week that Sunday morning will mark the moment that he feels I will be free from being put in hurtful positions. I don't have the heart to tell him that's probably not true. He's partially pissed we're even going to the wedding because even though we have asked them to visit us, they have never made that choice.

I think it's also hard for Bob when I ask him if he is sure he's really happy. "Afterall, I had a best friend who I thought would be there till the day I died and they left me after 25 years so anything is possible".

If anything I hope the break taught me to be more open, accepting, honest and forgiving in my friendships with others.

So if you just happen to wonder in here and it's Saturday maybe you could send a little emotional strength my way. It will be greatly appreciated.