Friday, September 12, 2008

It's Okay

I'm not dead (a la Rosie), just trying to get through weird brain time.

Sucks to have to change meds (ween off and then back on). Nothing like getting part way through and having all your self-doubts come screaming back up at ya. Wednesday was a bad, bad, self-hatred day. Finally took an anxiety pill (take them when having a panic attack or when you feel one coming on) to see if I could get the negative thoughts in the head to just back the hell up off me.

Bob was a prince considering I called him at work all weepy and full of self loathing. I asked him if he thought *this* was the real me (I know it isn't but logic gets fuzzy when you can't think straight) and that I was a miserable, sad, pathetic excuse of a human. Bobby surely loves me cause he didn't hang up ;) He talked me down which was probably hard in a meeting with a bunch of guys but I'm not shy about my life so much so I don't care and Bob knows I'm open about my situation with people. So even if he had to get off the phone and say 'the wife is crawling the edge' I know he'd say it with compassion.

I slept for 15 hours after I hung up. I have been sleeping 12 - 14 hours when I finally get tired enough to lay down. I'm not taking anything for sleep (which I normally do) so I'm surprised at how hard it is to stay up right now.

You know how when you finally make up your mind about something and you know it's right only to have everything seem to fall into place the way things are?


That was how this past month turned out. I didn't have nearly as much anxiety as I figured I'd have and the long weekend was positively blissful for me. How do you change meds when suddenly everything looks good again.

So I'm scared and hopeful that I've made the right choice because I *hate* when the negative feelings take over.

FYI, when changing meds (for anxiety or depression) you have to ween yourself off and then ween yourself back onto the new med. That leaves about 4 weeks of your brain and body getting used to the side effects - not to mention heading back into anxiety full throttle. I didn't want to deal with it in the summer so I stayed on the dose I was on all of August when my doc really wanted me to take 6 weeks to ween off.

Because she was on holidays!

Hell, no!

So I'm weening off much faster than she would think (I did it the same the last time but she doesn't remember) cause the headaches and vivid dreams I can take. Prolonging self-doubt, negativity, anxiety and self loathing not on my to do list.

I'm also struggling to stay focused on any one thing - I'm like a bird surrounded by shiny things only my wings are broken. It was all I could do to feed myself today.

I know, what a goob.

I'm getting out of the house for a bit to stave off any bad thoughts creeping in. Best friend and God kids should keep me on an even keel. It's the nice part about daywalking. Other people are up and I can go visit!

I also think chocolate will by on my list of things to 'do'.


sybil said...

it will get better... you know that... why did you decide to go off the one you were on

LOL or should I email you ;)

Bookwormom said...

I'm glad you're ok, relatively speaking. ;0 I was starting to get worried when new posts didn't show up on my feed reader, especially after you finished the Anne Stuart. :) Chocolate sounds perfect.

C2 said...

Chocolate is one of the best remedies EVAR! It can make all kinds of things better - especially, when different kinds are consumed together...frosted chocolate chip brownies, for example.


CindyS said...

Sybil - I keep thinking it will get better but OMG!! It's a long story so I'll e-mail you unless others are all WTF!?

Bookwormom - Awww, you worried for me? Too sweet and yeah, I shouldn't drop off the planet after a Stuart read. You probably thought I was off trying to kidnap her! ;)

C2 - you have to have the right kind of chocolate though and boy howdy I found me some!

Turns out my best friend had to baby sit a 4 month old baby. I didn't let that poor thing out of my arms the entire 2 1/2 hrs she was there. The father came to pick her up and was all 'you held her for 2 1/2 hours!? She'll be miserable when we get home!!' Ah, whoops. But seriously, the baby was in a car seat and Sue doesn't have a baby friendly house so where else should the baby have been? Baby therapy works wonders for the soul ;) And you can send them home when it's over. I wonder if the hospital needs any volunteers for the nursery.


Kristie (J) said...

Cindy: (((((hugs))))) It will get better sweetie - you just need time.

Holly said...

Aww, big hugs!!! I think Chocolate is a great idea!

Take care of yourself. We'll be here when you get back to "normal", promise.

sybil said...

The super cool thing is we are here for you when you aren't normal too ;).

who loveseses you babeeeee

sniff but I am STILL emailless (dude you didn't think this was gonna be all about you did you? me me me me)

heee hope you have a better day today

LinnieGayl said...

(((Cindy))) As others have said, it will get better. Post/email whenever, not just when you're feeling good!

Rosie said...

Awww Cindy babe... When I had bad anxiety I slept for hours at a time when I got to sleep because my body was exhausted from the torture it was going through. Nothing lasts forever even though it seems like it when we don't feel good.

We're out here...don't forget that.

CindyS said...

Kristie - I always think 'I don't have time for this!' But then, there is never a good time for it so onwards!

Holly - thanks hon! Hugs back cause I'm all into the hugs lately - that and weepy tears. Yeah, I'm a joy to be around ;)

Sybil - I sent you an e-mail but it was all about me. So to even out, send me one all about you! How you feeling? I worry.

LinnieGayl - thanks sweets! To want to listen to me when I'm whiny - you're too good to me!

Rosie - ah, yes, that would make more sense. Just threw me for a loop thinking I would lose all the 'side effect sleepiness' and because a whirling dirvish. Nope, I'm just as sleepy as ever!

And I'm grateful that you are all here. I was telling Bob how with Hurricane Ike heading into Texas I'm surprised at how many people I know there and in all other parts of the world. True blessing to *know* so many people. Seriously, I win the lottery and the party is at my house! Just saying ;)


ames said...


Chocolate is the way, for sure. :P

nath said...

Awww Cindy!! I hope you get better soon!! ((Cindy)) You'll get through it! Chocolate, sleep and Bob are the ways to go :)

Jenster said...

I hope the new medication will be great for you. Chocolate should always be part of therapy. Just sayin'.