I haven't blogged in about two nights and now there are a million things buzzing around in my brain. I guess that'll teach me.
Let's start with my nemesis and body partner anxiety. The bastard decided to wake up Thursday and throw all my sensory terminals to code red. Fucker.
It all started with my new found resolve to not get sick. Last year was a bust and I am so not doing it again. So off I go to the local flu shot clinic where I get to read the sheet that explains how some people had a bad reaction to the 2001 flu shot (note, I have only ever had one flu shot in my life and I believe it was in 2003) and that if you were one of them you should get your flu shot from your doctor. Nope, not one of them so I get ready.
The shot was nothing but then I have to sit and wait 20 minutes. Twenty whole minutes to look at the list of symptoms that I am to watch for. Now, the last time I got a shot I was more concerned about my panic attacks coming out to play so a little thing like anaphylactic shock seemed like nothing (trust me, a severed artery would come as a welcome relief from a panic attack. Hey, at that point there *is* something wrong and you know it's not in your head!). This time I'm not worried about my panic and I settle in to read the book I brought.
Are my lips starting to swell? Would someone notice if I was having a reaction to the shot? Can I still swallow? So it goes for the next 20 minutes. I have no idea why my brain decided to react like this but I guess it needed something to do. I am currently reading Lynn Viehl's If Angel's Burn and it is really good but there is a lack of romance so far so maybe that's why my brain decided to play with me. After the twenty minutes I decide to go to my friend's house because she will talk me down and everything will go back to normal.
Now at this point I would like to point out to the crowd that I may have been able to shake off this doom and gloom feeling I was having. Afterall, I'm with my best friend and her kids and there isn't a moment to wonder if you have broken out in a rash.
My friend's friend (who is my friend also but I don't see her as much as my friend) has asked if she can ask me a bunch of questions. Being the people pleaser I am and not knowing how I would later react, I say yes.
The questions were about God and my belief system.
Ouch! Sonofa..!
Now, I will openly talk with anyone who wants to discuss beliefs and how theirs might differ from mine, etc. as long as I know they are coming in with an open mind just like I am. Here's the thing - I know that this friend believes that only through Jesus can someone go to Heaven. That's it, that's all. Jesus = Heaven. I don't believe this. In the rounds of questions, I ask her what she thinks happens to those who have never heard of Jesus. She responded by saying, 'do you really think there is someone left who hasn't heard of Jesus?'. I was floored. When pushed on the issue of those who have not heard of Jesus the answer is, 'I can't know what is in a person's heart'. Uh, okay. Needless to say the conversation took a few twists I didn't foresee and by the time I got home I was wondering if I had just blasphemed my way into Hell. Geez, my stomach is getting upset just thinking about it.
I just erased everything I typed about what I said. It's bad enough my friend wrote down my question to ask to her minister. Did I mention I'm not all that well?
So I guess I was jumpy after that (you think!) and during the night I decided to become a hypochondriac (I just scored a 40 but, but....If I only checked a medical encyclopedia once in 35 years, does that count?!). The next day I could no longer lift my arm above my shoulder without great pain which of course led to me wondering if my muscles were dying. Isn't anxiety a wonderful thing? StupidCrudyMcCrap....
So there I am Friday night in a heightened state of anxiety when I realize my bestest friends are coming the next day to spend the afternoon and evening with me. I hit high octane anxiety and have the phone in my hand ready to call and tell them not to come. What keeps me from dialing is realizing that if this *is* all due to anxiety and is not really a stomach virus then I will have it even worse the next time they come down. Yep, that's right. You cower in the face of anxiety once and that bitch'll make you scream for mercy on the next round. Lucky me, my husband talked me down off the ceiling and I was very happy to see my friends the next day.
They taught me to scrapbook and that's a whole other blog ;)
Now it's Sunday night and I have had another round with my stomach. IBS. Yeah, I don't want to get into the TMI territory but this is your follow up prize when you have anxiety! Nausea, hot flashes, cramps, (as I get older the urge to puke gets stronger) and well, yetch. Oh, and my new lovely, fear of fainting. Or maybe it is the wish to faint. I'm not sure. I get worse with milk (I stopped drinking it when I was 21) and nowadays it's murder if something is made with real cream. Ice cream has also become forbidden (I decided that tonight) :(
So there you have it. My anxiety has decided to deck my halls and somehow I know it is only going to get worse as the season progresses. This is the worse it has felt in a long, long time.
It's okay though. I'm not giving up! Peppermint oil pills will be taken twice daily to keep the tummy from wanting to explode. Smaller meals will be eaten so I don't get that overstuffed feeling. Walking will be employed to work off excess energy from anxiety. And, uh, yeah. I don't know what else but, I will do it with great zeal! Yeah, I will!
Screw anxiety!
Did I mention that my only brother (who I love, love, love) who is lucky to have a live in girlfriend with two children, a rental place, a brand new truck and mustang up and quit his job last Monday but only told us this weekend? Any job opportunities? No.
Fucker.
5 comments:
Yikes, Cindy. I'm so sorry to hear you're walking down this road. If I lived closer I'd come visit, not to inspect you floors, but just to say Hi. (I still haven't vacuumed mine....)
My mom has IBS; in my world, there's no such thing as TMI--I've seen or heard it all at this point. She also had a panic attack once in a car wash--leapt out of the car and got burned. You'll never hear from me that they're not a real sensation.
Keep yourself free from nausea. If the Peppermint works, great. I've also found that licorice tea works for me (but then licorice is a stimulant, I can't remember if it's OK w/IBS). I lived on licorice tea for the first rimester of my past pregnancy--was the only thing I could stand to smell.
Take care
I have never had a flu shot in my life and you have just described why I haven't done it :) I'm actually afraid that I will get the flu from the shot but they say that doesn't happen anymore.
That warning sheet they gave me when I took my kids in for their vaccines was bad enough but my need to be a responsible mother overruled all my fears.
I'm sorry to hear you have been having such a rough time lately. ((HUGS)). Sounds like Bob really knows how to handle you :) Hope things get better.
Suisan - Anytime you are heading to Canada let me know, you are more than welcome to drop in ;) That's for making me feel better!
I read the link to IBS and I have to say I am blessed in that mine only seems to act up around *that* time of the month and when I am under stress. It's my body's way of telling me I'm ignoring something. I hope your mother didn't suffer harsh burns. I was in a line for a car wash with Bob and I noticed that there was no way out (curbed all the way to the washer). It took about 5 minutes a car and there were at least 8 in front of us. This was one of those moments when I realized I needed to get help. I ended up sitting on the other side of the parking lot (in the bitter cold) trying to ignore how many more cars it would be before Bob could get the truck washed. This edged into not being able to go through drive thrus.
I am thankful that that is behind me but there are moments when it sneaks up on you and I think it is because I am ignoring something. I just haven't figured out what it is I am hiding from right now.
Renee - Thanks for the support and yes, Bob has been through the ups and downs and I am one lucky lady to have him. Don't tell him that though ;)
As I understand vaccinations, you do get a dose of the disease (although apparently it is dead). So, if you are someone like me who has a tempermental tummy then chances are it will affect you differently than someone who can get the flu and still multi-task. In reality you are getting a small dose of the flu so that your body will build up anti-bodies for it. Some people argue that if you don't get the flu then you won't have built up anti-bodies. Uh, yeah you do because you already *had* the flu in the shot.
I realized I don't fear the flu, I fear stomach viruses - you know, the vomitting and diarhea (we called this the flu all our lives so it was quite a surprise to discover that the flu is really a cold's bigger badder brother). I want the shot for the stomach virus ;)
The other things I worry about are the reactions to the shots (only because my dog had a reaction to his vaccine for the first time in 12 years this year and it freaked us out). Also, with the flu shot you should not be taking aspirin. Bob takes aspirin daily so I have told him he may have to stop taking it before he would get the shot.
Like you say though, it is absolutely your decision. I only understand viruses to a point because I took a Plague course in university. You want a wake up call?!
This year I am carrying around a hand sanitizer in my new purse. I never used to carry purses and bought one specifically for this winter. My friend has told me to keep my poison away from her. Hey, keeping your hands clean is half the battle. I don't worry in the summer but in the winter, I'm keeping my hands spotless.
Hmmm, looks like my hypochondria is surfacing ;)
CindyS
Oh, this whole post is making me anxious, too! I am sorry you have to go through this all.
I'm glad the peppermint is helping, and I love the retro '50s diner thing, although I think the hotdogger is just about as practical as the mashed potato maker and the bagel slicer (both exist! Why? Man's inhumanity to man, I think).
There's a mashed potato maker?
*grabs keys and wallet and runs out to the nearest store*
I loved mashed potatoes!
I'm one of those people who has said, if the process makes for more cleaning, it's not efficient. Hence, the reason I gave my chopper machine away. I can dice onions on a chopping board with a knife and not cut myself trying to get an evilly constructed blade out of the bloody machine (yeah, literally!) to clean it.
CindyS
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