Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Are We There Yet?

Happy Cindy is still on hiatus and hasn't left a forwarding address.

The bitch.

Things are in a spiraling-out-of-control mess of emotional drudge but we're working on it. By we I mean my doctor may have actually seen the light when Grumpy Cindy made an entrance at my recent appointment. I swear she can't hear what I'm saying half the time because I get a diatribe about how my anxiety will always be a part of my life.

Ah, yeah. No shit. Had it since I was 10 years old and I figure it'll hang with me until the day I die but this is about my 'I'm willing to kill you' attitude that has been dogging me for the past month and a half. I mean, I normally have a touch of 'don't mess with me' but wanting to slap someone in the back of the head while standing in line is sooo not me.

No, I wasn't in Depot.

Those are total gimmes. I have a right to smack people there.

Also the feeling of every thing being just too much. I already live the life of royalty (don't cook, clean only when I feel like it and pretty much get out of the house everyday with a great hubby) so feeling overwhelmed is just plain silly. And mopey. And mopey sucks butt.

So when Grumpy Cindy sighed and said 'Well, if this is me then I guess that's it.' there must have been something in my tone. I was definitely defeated and tired of trying to explain what was going on to my doctor, after all, I'd been trying to explain it for the last few visits.

It clicked.

She told me I was the one who was going to have to tell her if the meds weren't working and what course we would now take.

Ah, HELLO!! Isn't that what I've been trying to say for months!!!

Apparently I speak fluent stupid when I'm at the docs office.

So we have a plan. THANK you JAY-sus!!!

Plans make me happy.

Maybe some nightmares and headaches while decreasing the current pill and then a new mood pill. Mmmm, a better mood. I'm so in!

As to nightmares, the ones I had last week were so scary I had no clue what I had been watching to have such things. I hate anything to do with people on fire and well, my one dream was horrific in this account. So when she said I might have vivid dreams while weaning off I was all, 'can't be worse than what I have been having!'.

Let's hope my subconscious doesn't see that as a challenge.

With all this you probably already know that reading is placing about last place in things I can do right now. Reading can be too hard when my brain is in obsessive mode. Too much 'I should do some laundry, oh, did I buy such and such, crap, what time is it, will I be able to sleep today, I need a hair cut...' You get the picture.

Good news is I'm buying many of the Christmas gifts I've been needing to get to.

Bob is on his way home now and suggested we go Christmas shopping. Okay. Not that I think he knows what we need to be looking for but I can get out of the house for a bit!

And finally, a little fun for the dog lovers. I immediately thought of Ames and Max when I saw this commercial.


LinnieGayl said...

Cindy, I'm glad your doctor finally seemed to hear you. Good luck weaning off your current meds. I hope it goes better than expected, and that the new ones help. I'm sending lots of good thoughts your way.

ames said...

Kudos to making the doctor hear you! And hopefully the plan works and you don't have freaky deaky nightmares. :(

Haha! That's so me. I talk to Max when I take pictures. hehe

Dev said...

I'm glad the doctor finally "gets it". Hope the meds help!

Also glad to hear you've started the dreaded shopping :-)

Holly said...

OMG! Cindy, do we see the same doctor? I go to mine last week Friday and I'm explaining to him that I'm an absolute raging bitch. Like..raging. And do you know what he says to me?

He pats my hand and says - rather condescendingly - "That's called, Pre-Menstrual Syndrome"

Dude, are you trying to die? I'm not a nice person on a good day and you want to pat my hand and tell me I'm stupid on a bad one? That's not smart, man.

But, like you, I finally got through and he's working with me to control my unbending - and rather unreasonable - anger at the world. Let's hope things clear up before I kill my fiance, children - and possibly the dogs.

I'm sure Happy Cindy and Happy Holly are having a grand ol' time on their Haiku. Those bitches.

Much love! You'll be good soon, I know it.

C2 said...

(((Cindy))) I'm glad there's a plan and that the doctor finally listened to you. I'm sending positive thoughts your way. :o)

ReneeW said...

A plan is good, very, very good. I was starting to worry about you. I hope everything goes smoothly but the best thing is the doctor seems to be with you now. Have fun Christmas shopping. Take care of yourself.

CindyS said...

LinnieGayl - thanks! I'll take the lumps if it means things will get better.

Ames - When she says 'Come on' and he says 'No. You come on.' had me rolling.

Dev - me too!

Holly - I'm obviously is rockin' company ;) That answer right there would be why I don't have a male doctor. I figure I got enough of that shit when I was young.

At ten years of age my panic attacks were written off as 'pre-menstrual' something or other (and I didn't eve have my period yet!) by the extremely ancient male doc. I don't know how my mother didn't drop kick him to the curb but I tell ya, my elders like their docs. Ugh.

This was the first time that I actually considered changing doctors because truly, she's the one who saved me years and years ago. Why she can't seem to hear now is beyond me. I'm thinking I need to be more aggressive.

I hope that life gets better for you too. Nothing like spouting off and having your own brain say 'WTF are you saying'. It's like being two separate people but the crazy one is in the front seat ;)

Hugs and love to you Holly!

C2 - thanks! I'll take all the healing thoughts I can.

Renee - thanks hon. I was getting a little worried too but I think I grabbed on before letting it get too out of control. I guess a little loss of self reminds us to be grateful when we are whole again.

I'm sooo ready to be grateful ;)

Happy Thanksgiving Renee!