More Gifts?

Hmm, we left off with the thumb wrestling ring because quite frankly I needed to deal with the fact that there are people who can make money from the stupidest things while I couldn't make a buck walking a street corner.

Let's see if I can find some good gifts before we go looking for the 'holy crap, you really shouldn't have' gifts.

For those of us watching our weight. In my case I seem to be watching it pile onto my body but that's a whole other story.

Which I am going to tell you now! Lucky bastards!

It's the time of year I tell you.

I won't go out in the cold because I am a pussy. I don't do winter sports because, hi, it's cold and I'm a pussy. I don't have children to get to school, sports or playdates so again, I don't have to go outside in the cold and I don't because I'm a ... woman without children so I need to lord something over my friends with kids!! Nah, nah, I don't have to go out in this horribly 'oh my God my nipples just popped' kind of weather, aren't I lucky! Actually now that I think about it, it's not my nipples that are the problem as they are safe in my jacket. It's my lack of sense and the need to get out of the house ASAP so no scarf, mittens or hat. Look at me! I don't have a dorky hat on but I can't feel my ears. Fair trade.

So, to sum up, I don't go outside. Yep, I went to make dinner tonight and discovered we don't have any pasta in the house. This hasn't happened in the 10 years Bob and I have been married because Bob lives for pasta. That's right, I haven't even left the house to go grocery shopping ... in a month but, if Bob asks I'm telling him it was because the contractors were in the house and I just couldn't get anything done. *bottom lip quivers slightly* Works every time. Good thing Bob doesn't know the address to this puppy!

*where in the hell was I going with..*

Right! So other than watching TV, playing on the net or cleaning my house (please) there is only one thing to do.

Eat.

'Yeah, but you said you haven't grocery shopped in a month!'. Good job on paying attention, special treat for you. How do you feel about a doggy eared copy of a book with no cover, spine or the last six pages? Great, I'll mail it to you tomorrow!

Bob has been doing 'spot' shopping. This is where Bob buys milk (which I don't drink), pop (which I drink waaayyy too much of) and bread (which I have been eating with peanut butter and have officially OD'd on it). Problem is Bob doesn't stop there. Oh, no. He has to get all the major food groups in so there is always a bag full of chips and chocolate. My prince. If he knows I have been particularly stressed out he gets one of those mega chocolate bars that you think there is no way you could eat in one sitting and then you do.

What? Only me?

I SAY GOOD DAY!!

Still here? Good. A fellow face stuffer. Welcome. Meetings will commence ... please, who am I kidding. Meetings. Sheesh. I need therapy and to go on the Survivor diet. Pronto.

Now you would think we could just stop buying the junk. 'Get some normal food you big butt!' So, we do, only we have these, uh, friends for the lack of a better word who know we love to eat. Really, how did you guess? Perimeter of my waist? The need to make sure I never get thinner than you? (oops, inner bitch just dropped in) Trust me, you stand in a picture with Bob and I and you are set for the perfect picture. You may even decide it is the best picture ever and mail it out as your Christmas card. (oops, there she is again)

So we get chocolate, chocolate, uh, let's see, OH! chocolate with some nuts for the protein don't you know and chocolate. Screw the little boxes of chocolate because 'Lordy there was a great deal on the Basket of Chocolate Death at that famous box store and we just knew you guys would love it!'

I hate you. (whoops)

Just in case you are worried that this is going to end with some sobbing and the eternal grab for the household candy jar (that'd be the second door on your right when you enter our house) you are wrong. Well, partly anyways.

Bob and I have learned to move the crap out of the house. Okay, only the crap that others give us because the stuff we buy is usually gone by the end of the night. I have dropped chocolate at the parents (who are usually yelling, 'don't leave that here!'), the aunt and cousin (who are usually yelling, 'don't leave that here!') and my godchildren's homes (kids - 'woohoo!' , parents - 'I hate you')

So Christmas cheer is brought to all those who think of us and think 'hmmmm, chocolate would be the perfect gift for them!'. Fat is a gift that can run both ways my friend. Give the gift of fat and it'll make it's way to your house!

Aren't I precious?

*mumbling* okay, I took a left, did a U-turn, no, where did I start, AH!

Let's call chocolate the 'you shouldn't have gift' especially for those friends of yours that are a wee bit on the 'broke the scale' side. Seriously, unless they specifically ask you for chocolate, get them a mug at the dollar store that says they 'hate Mondays' or something. They'll love you for it. Forever.

So here is a gift I told my friend she could buy for Bob and I because she loves it when I am specific and I try to keep her from spending a wad on us.


It's the Stir Crazy popcorn maker for us lazy bastards who have gotten used to microwave popcorn and are afraid they will burn their house down if they try and make the stuff on the stove.

Hey, it's not chocolate so wipe that grin off your face!

I figure it's basically a fat free snack made with a special 'Bob' gadget that should make him squeal in delight. Or not. I don't really know but, I'm a betting woman. Also you can decide the exact amount of butter you want on your popcorn. Sweet!

*This is your captain speaking, we're about to make a hard bank to the right. Stewardesses, strap in!*

My aunt bought us a special gift one year of everything you would need to watch the movie she gave us. Really cool except the buttered microwave popcorn (oh, no, don't buy the 'lite' stuff for us) came with a tiny packet of goo that you poured on. I didn't know this so when Bob brought the stuff out I just started to eat. (what a shock) At one point I do remember looking at Bob and asking what was wrong with the popcorn and he told me about the little packet. Did that stop us? Nope. As Anthony Bourdain would say *nods to Suisan* there was a night spent on the thunder pot by both of us. Too much? Yeah, well, go try that popcorn and see if it is too much! I haven't been able to stomach microwave popcorn since and that was two years ago.

*This is your captain again, we have come out of the turn and we may be in for smooth flying here on out.*

Okay, time is running out here so we'll move forward - I bought this little precious gift for my 20 year old cousin!


Okay, according to the website you can get this gift for 29.95 American. I am too embarrassed to mention how much I paid for this but, oh well, I think she will love it because it is cute and pink and you can use the case over and over again. Dang, I want one! So this could be a gift for that impossible teenage girl on your list or your 35 year old best friend who has decided to find her inner child. Dang, there's chocolate in this thing.

Gone!

Post over.

Smoke 'em if you got 'em!