Self-Worth and Hell

My blog is worth $0.00.
How much is your blog worth?

Yeah, I don't think my self-esteem can take anymore.

Bobby just woke up and said, we needed a 'Do-Over' for Valentines Day.

Let's break it down.

A. I hate Valentine's Day. Always have. Comes out of the blue and I hate the heart as a shape and gaudy red hearts make me nauseated (lookit me all learning and shit).

B. The night before I hit my lowest day all year and crashed into a funk that was Uggggggly. It was so bad *I* wanted out of my own body. Finally wrote a huge letter saying all the crap that was in my head. I was smart enough not to inflict it on anyone. Still, I wake up, it's Valentine's Day and I don't know what the hell to write in Bob's card. It was touch and go and Bob being tenderhearted wasn't sure about what I was trying to say. Gah.

C. I go mental for monkeys. I say the word repeated in a weird voice and make quiet monkey noises whenever I get one (the stuffed kind because I am not into animal cruelty - or Cindy cruelty!). People buy them for me all the time because they get a kick out of my reaction. Seriously. It's a knee jerk reaction or I would stop it cause, it's not cool. My husband has never bought me one.

D. Keeping C in mind I open my gift from my hubby and discover an ape which is really cute and has a tag that says his name is Boom Boom and I immediately think of some song from years ago that goes something like 'boom, boom, boom lets go back to my room' so when I push the little hand it has jungle music (which I wasn't expecting). So I am saying how cute it is and stuff and not thinking anything of it and Bob says, yeah, it's an ape though. I look at him and go 'yeah, I know.' Which totally blew his mind because he thought I would think it was a monkey and it dawns on me that my husband was trying to get my 'monkey' reaction.

E. At this point I feel shitty.

F. We usually get cards from our cats and dogs.

Shutup.

So I had Bob's cards there from the puppies and kitties and he got upset because they didn't get me cards. (In all honesty, Bob loves to get cards, me, meh - I like them from people but shhh, don't say anything) So Bob feels shitty.

G. We go out to grab some food from a grocery store because my husband loves me enough to know that a restaurant on a normal day gets me freaky, Valentine's Day in a restaurant would send me over the edge. I make some dumbass comment about how I am going to buy myself some purple roses because they remind me of Gram. Now, Bob's upset because he didn't get me the right flowers which moves into the whole, he screwed everything up and he should have managed to buy that house for me.

H. Can we say out of control. Clean up Aisle Hell!!

I. We get home, snug on the couch after relationship patching. Bob sits up suddenly and is disoriented. He asks for water. While I am in the kitchen I hear him say, 'yep, there goes the room' which means the room in spinning. He's been getting this off and on. I bring in his glass of water and just happen to see his eyes. They are doing some wacky ass shit. I immediately tell him we're going to emerge which is not something I would utter under pain of death but I did because Lord, that there has to be a neurological thing and yeah, I'm thinking stroke.

Good News - Benign (means not deadly) Positional Virtigo

At least we know what the hell has been going on these last few days.

H. I discovered that if I could have only handled the sight of blood, bodily fluids and being around sick people I would have made one hell of a doctor. I had done a partial neural exam on Bob before the ambulance even got there. That's right, that e-mail is true and the doctor even said so. All the same, they ran a hell of a lot more tests. Still, if you are ever thinking you are having a stroke I could test you. You know. If you need something like that.

I. Valentine's Day usually ends with Bob and I feeling shitty because we didn't do enough or get the right thing for the other person or what have you. It's a general pain in my ass and I think Bob is starting to feel some ass burning also.

Caveat: I have to tell you that Bob has done some of the most wonderful things for me. Now they were in the early years of our marriage but life got crazy busy the last three years and I am sure the romantic Bob will show up again. The Bob who would get ready to go to work and even leave the house only to return with a bouquet of flowers and an announcement that he had taken the day off to spend it with me. Also, we have something around here called Cindy week and Bob week. Those are our birthday weeks. Basically it's just fun, fun, fun. My birthday blew so many chunks last year that there are still remnants of that crap laying around. Bob has said he wanted a 'do-over' for my birthday but, since my day is in August, I was too wrapped up in Christmas shopping and getting emotionally prepared for the winter.

Now, see, you're probably thinking I need a shrink.

Why would I do that when I have you!

On the book front I am still reading (I know) Ride the Fire and I am still loving it. If it keeps this momentum I will be able to announce a keeper. If I wasn't starting to get sleepy I would be really excited.

That's it from Planet Hell (I know, original but c'mon, where else could I be signing off from!).

Hope everyone else had a great Valentine's Day. No really. I'm serious. Ah, forget it.