Maili's post over at Book Banter had me nodding my head vigorously in agreement. What people don't seem to understand is how having children can be a make it or break it situation for a marriage. You don't go in telling your fiance that you want to have children when you really don't have any wish to.
Maili was talking about Renee Zellweger and the supposed reason for Jennifer Anniston's break up. I saw Oprah today and Anniston was on the show and Oprah asked her if she wanted children and she answered yes, yes I really do. I have to leave it at that. The reasons behind her divorce are no ones business except for her and her ex-husband's.
What Maili found upsetting was how many people were willing to blame the women for the loss of their marriage. On the comments I mentioned that I never really thought in blame when I hear of a couple I really like, getting a divorce. I have to imagine that there has been a break down in communications that has led to a divorce.
Maili also made a point that a reader once attacked her for not having children when she was married. I can't even believe that there are people out there that are so obtuse but then, I have had some stupid stuff said to me.
For example, best friends of Bob who were good friends with Bob and Sue (Sue and I are very good friends now and Bob and I are her and her husband's legal guardians for their kids) and knew that for 10 years of their marriage they did everything they could to have children to the point that it became only one of the reasons the marriage fell apart.
Now, I am there and it has been three years of marriage and we haven't had a baby and I say something about it just not being meant to be. This woman says, 'I believe if someone really wants a child, then they will have one'. I was so stunned by the stupidity of this statement that I never really thought to talk to her about anything even remotely personal because this woman lived in her own world.
Hey, Bob and I could have children but did I really want to have another man's baby? How would Bob feel towards the child? We went to an open call for people who were considering adopting. What shocked me was how naive I was about where these children came from. These children were wards of the court and had been taken away from their parents. All I could think was that the child's parents could change their lives completely and come back and ask for their children back. I know that I would never be strong enough for that so we didn't pursue it. I think these variables create their own types of problems that could just as easily end in divorce.
It makes my head hurt to see the way children are being raised today but at least, I'm not the cause of the problem ;) Bob and I cannot have children and I know I wanted at least 6 kids. Bob had always wanted children but by the time he hit 40 he was sure he was too old.
Anyways, for 3 years I watched myself get into deeper depressions when my period showed up. Finally, I decided that I needed to mourn the fact that we were not going to have children. I stopped keeping track of my period so that if I am late, I don't have a clue and my hopes don't skyrocket.
There were a few years where the pain was at the surface but, I decided I was not going to let the fact that we couldn't have children define our lives. Bob and I have a great life and as I have said to Bob, I can be with my soulmate and childless or with a man who I don't love the way I love Bob and have children. Hey, I figure I got lucky in love and now that I am 35, I'm thinking that maybe God knows me better than I know myself because having a child looks like really hard work!! Rock on you mothers out there!!
What I find hard in this day and age is meeting with others in a social setting. I can't tell you the number of times the first question people ask is if you have children. I guess most people do so it is a bonding experience. Bob has dealt with this for much longer than I have and I usually just so no but then Bob will smile, shrug and say 'I just shoot blanks'. I told him once that it doesn't matter what the problem is, we should just tell people no, we don't have children and if they ask we can just say we didn't want any. Bob says no, that's not true. I just don't like seeing him feel like he has to explain to people why we don't have kids. Now, I just say no, you? That usually gets the other person going.
Here's a hint to those of you who have had children. If you meet someone who couldn't have children, telling them that you once didn't want them either but you had a weak moment and ended up pregnant will not endear you to me. One lady went on and on about how she should have never had a child but there was not one moment during the night that she didn't tell us something wonderful about her now *adult* son. It was clear to me that this woman defined herself by her son so saying she never wanted him was just so not true or right for that matter.
Lord I could go on but I need to hit the bed. Hey, it almost 12:30am and I need my new beauty rest. Hey, I guess I could wake up tomorrow and continue on this rant but, I really shouldn't ;)
2 comments:
Oh sigh.
I have kids, but I totally lose my mind when another parent only wants to talk kids with me. I love them, I schedule my life around them, but I cannot ever totally get into the conversation where we all agree our lives have been enriched by having kids, and childless couples will never know the deep abiding joy that only comes from having snot wiped onto every sleeve of every shirt I have ever worn.
Motherhood is all entangled up with setting aside your own ego. And to my annoyance, people make that out as if it's a wholly enriching experience to live for someone else's needs. I find it intriguing, but it can slip into being dangerous.
Madame, I may need to write a blog about this. (And I missed writing about the hedgehog, dammit. Cute widdle twitchy pink nose. Oh so vewwy vewwy cute! De snookums puss!)
Susain - you rock!!
I was out with my best bud today and her son Connor who is two years old was at home with Gramma. I think Steph thought it would be great fun to be with me and shop without worrying about Connor. I could tell immediately that she was not herself. We chatted and I finally asked her if she was missing Connor. She said, yeah, I keep feeling like I am forgetting something (I would so be a parent like this, there are days I panic when I can't find my keys - my husband then reminds me that I left them at home. Imagine me with a child!)
We didn't shop for long and we stopped at a few places until I asked her how she was doing. She looked me dead in the eye and said, I'm not doing well. I smiled at her gave her a hug and said it was time for her to go home. She is a single mom and doesn't get out too often without Connor. And quite frankly, I love the little guy. I missed him on our shopping trip too!
That to me is completely understandable to me and was quite sweet to see. She e-mailed me when she got home that she better get over it because he would be moving out when he is 20. I told her that by then, she'll be glad to see him go ;)
I've often thought that having a child would have kept my panic attacks at bay. I was still trying to get past my anxiety and my other friend asked me to take her son to his swim lesson. He was about 4 years old and was terrified of the water. He was screaming and in complete terror the whole way to the pool and I completely forgot about myself and was only worried about him.
Knowing fear the way I do, every step of the way I told him that he did not have to go in the pool but that he needed his suit on because I was going in. We get to the edge of the pool and he is still sniffling and not sure. I get in without him and tell him he can stand by the pool while I swim. The minute he realized it was his choice he practically jumped into the pool - thank God I was paying attention or he would have sunk to the bottom! It was only him and one other that showed up for the lesson so the teacher just let them play with us. She came to me after and said she had never seen such a fast turn around. He was never afraid of the water after that and I was blessed that I was able to focus on what he needed and I totally forgot about all my crap. It was freeing for sure.
Of course, I imagine that having children creates a whole new set of anxieties ;)
Oh, one of my other friends has what she called 'adult' time. She will invite a bunch of women over and do a potluck lunch so that she can have time with others and discuss other things besides her kids. She loves her kids but she gets, that sometimes you need to do things for yourself.
Long response - ooops. Did I mention I saw a hedgehog at the local pet store and I am hard pressed to figure out why this cute little bud of love couldn't find a home here. I guess I could ask Bob - I'm sure he'll have a hundred and one reasons why the cutie can't come and be with me! Since Bob is a keeper I guess I won't be getting a hedgehog :(
CindyS
PS looking forward to your blog!!
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