Fears & Family

Oy, this one is rambly but I decided to get it off my chest and what the hell, I'm even going to put it on the blog.

I have a baby brother and by baby I mean he is five years younger than me so he's 30 - oops, he just turned 31 yesterday.

I have read somewhere and yeah, I should look it up, that children who have a 5 year age difference between them grow up more like only children. Everything about my childhood suddenly made sense when I read this.

I may be the oldest and Billy the youngest but because we never went to the same school or went to high school together we were two separate entities growing up. I always knew I felt isolated but I thought it was just me. I never told anyone about the panic attacks I had as a child because I didn't understand what was happening and well, there are too many reasons. Since I was so much in my own body I didn't really notice those around me and Billy only really registered when he was in trouble and trouble followed that boy.

All the same, I have been grateful that Billy didn't have panic attacks or know the kind of fear that I had lived with. I figured his cross to bare was studying his ass off and then freezing on an exam. Billy also has a gullibility that can have him turned inside out by people who are supposed to be his friends. The good news is that Billy seems to have worked through most of this and at Christmas when he got a new job he just became a much happier person.

Now, I'm pretty sure I have mentioned that I don't *do* planes. I think I have traced my fear back to the plane that crashed say around '82. It hit a bridge and ended up in the water and people were trying to get to the shore and we could actually see people dying on the TV.

I was 12.

Since then I have believed that if I ever get on a plane it will crash. I recently learned about President Abraham Lincoln and his belief that he would die a violent death after looking up famous people who had panic attacks. This just seemed to cement my belief even further and I have decided it must be that one thing that I am not supposed to do and lucky for me, I'm okay with it. So's Bob.

I don't normally talk about flying with people because most people don't get it. My mother and father think it's ludicrous and most people try to talk me into how safe it is etc. But they are not seeing my point. I'm not saying flying is unsafe. I'm saying it's not safe for me.

So where am I going with this? *mumbling* Damned if I know.

Actually I do know I just can't figure out how to explain it without writing an essay (too late!)

Okay. Billy's new job involves flying. Lots and lots of flying which Billy expressed some concern about because he had never been on a plane. Now, even in my own fear I will never impose that fear onto someone else. For example, my mother loves flying so I don't worry about her when she gets on a plane. Bob also had to fly a few times before he negotiated a 'no fly' contract (when I told him I would never fly he looked at me and said 'you can do that?' - hence, he did ;)) but I never said anything negative about flying because at the time I thought Bob didn't mind it.

Billy's first week back from the states and he calls and gets the answering machine. The message is clear, concise and to the point.

'Hey, I'm alive and home. Cindy, if anyone ever tells you you can handle flying don't believe them. I could barely stand it. Love you, bye.'

I'm thinking what a cool brother I have that he would look out for his sister.

Well, the night before last we finally connected by phone and he has been on a plane 6 times now. He was leaving for his 7th in 4 hours. We were talking and I said something about how he should get some sleep. He just chuckled and said, 'no hope'. I asked why and discovered that Billy may be just as afraid of flying as I am.

I wasn't in any way prepared for that.

Bob said Billy couldn't be as afraid of flying as I am because he has done it. Yes. He has. But, it takes about 6 beers.

It didn't hit me until last night. Suddenly I am in a panic and worried that I am going to lose my brother. Bob said this morning that I was quite upset (I was half asleep in bed) and worried that the last few phone calls could be someone trying to call me about Billy. I remember reciting a eulogy in my dream.

I'm not sure what it all means. I just know that whenever Billy has expressed a fear to me I tend to take it into myself and have anxiety on his behalf. When I was going to the Anxiety Clinic the doctor said that that was impossible (I asked if I could get worked up on someone elses behalf but I'm not sure I explained it right). That was when I realized this guy could treat Anxiety but he didn't have the first hand knowledge of it.

For some reason, if I know Billy is scared, I get scared and maybe that is why I don't share with him my fears or what can set off a panic attack. Afterall, they can be hereditary and I didn't want to trigger anything in Billy but maybe, Billy and I have isolated ourselves from each other in the hopes of protecting the other from what they are going through.

Flying for Billy doesn't sound like it is going to end anytime soon and I am a bit sick about it. I think I'll have to talk to my doctor or Bob about how to talk with Billy about what he is going through. My fear is that I will somehow make it worse by talking too much or not enough about it.

That said, my brother is one funny guy. I'm pretty sure if I were the one in the situation he'd just look at me and yell, 'suck it up!!'

So how about you guys and your siblings? I have often considered myself the black sheep of the family but then I have always coloured Billy with that black brush also. We are like these two monkey wrenches that showed up in our parent's lives and to this day they don't know where the hell we came from. I was shocked a while back when Billy said that *we* had an awesome childhood. Methinks the boy has bumped his head.

I have always been curious about people who are close to their family. *snort* Wait until I do a post about my mother. We are so different that there are days being in the same room is obviously painful for her. Meanwhile I get a evil thrill in making my mother uncomfortable.

Hey, I live to annoy ;)