What is about to start is a pity party the likes of which have never been seen on any blog I have ever visited.
Leave now.
I may yet decide not to post this. All the same maybe just writing it out and dealing with it might help me get out of this horrible funk I am in.
Self-esteem has never been my strong point and I am just slamming it with my worthlessness this week. I have mentioned a few times that I am feeling all buzzy and I always know that means something is bugging me that I won't let my conscious self deal with.
The good news for me is that I did mention to Bob the other night what I thought was bothering me and tonight when I (my cat is sleeping so hard right now that her nose is whistling everytime she breaths in - I love that) ... ah, right, tonight I got squirrelly and poor Bob was still awake so he got to see what that usually entails. For the most part I can keep myself from people when I get that bad and only wake Bob up if I need him to hold me while I cry. Tonight he had to watch me squirm with myself while declaring my boredom over and over again. Poor guy.
Anyways, just as I am about to lose it I say to Bob that I don't understand why I can have such bad days like this. That's when Bob said, 'you're Dad went back to work'.
Ahhhh, right, now I remember.
No, it's nothing bad it's just me in the pit of self-pity. My brother made a job adjustment in December by quitting his job and having to stay unemployed for a certain amount of time before a company that 'worked with' the company he left could ethically hire him. Thing is my blessed brother is not the sharpest tack and people can really play him so we were all terrified over Christmas because we just didn't know what was going to happen. Turns out this company made good and Billy started work the Monday after Christmas. Not sure yet if it is full-time but Billy is so much happier and his live-in says it has made a world of difference in his attitude. At the moment he is down in Alabama helping get the robotic line up that he had been working on these past months.
So there's my brother, out in the world and doing good.
My dad retired 5 years ago and surprised us this past month by saying he received a job offer that he couldn't refuse. He started back to work this past Monday. I was so shocked I didn't know which way was up! It's a four year job and my dad is now 62 so I was floored that he would consider working full-time again. Turns out my Dad is now commuting like he never has before and will probably have to travel to the Phillipines and Australia.
I should mention my family (except for my mother) are not great flyers. Billy gets to come home from Alabama every two weeks for a weekend. First weekend back Billy leaves a message on my phone saying he's safe and alive (?) and 'if anyone ever tells you, Cindy, that you can handle flying, don't believe them. I could hardly stand it!'.
All this to say that right now I am feeling like the most useless piece of human goo to ever exist on this planet. I swear to you, money actually runs away from me. I couldn't earn a dime and I am starting to feel more and more like I got left behind.
Anxiety was a bitch and is a bitch but I think I may have gotten back into the world if it wasn't for my weight. Now, apparently, the meds cause weight gain but let's face it, most of it is my own fault.
So I am looking around me at my friends and family and how they are doing in their careers (my best bud just got a well deserved promotion!) and I am feeling like I have stepped into another world. I mean, I'm not looking to get rich. Well, okay, that would be nice but, just a paycheck to let me know that I am doing something of value.
Bob has always said that it doesn't matter that I don't work and if we had kids it wouldn't be an issue but man, the self-esteem is just killing me. Bob says I'm his inspiration for all that he does but I'm not sure it's enough.
Course, I'm my own worst enemy. I want to work from home so that I don't have to deal with stressful situations. Hey, I have heard that loads of people work from home. I just don't have a clue what it is they are doing.
So there you go, welcome to my pity party. Now, if only I could shake this off.
7 comments:
awww honey if you have a twin on the internet it is me ;)
All this to say that right now I am feeling like the most useless piece of human goo to ever exist on this planet.
I could have typed that in fact other than the weight thing (which I have weight issues like you wouldn't believe) we could be the same person. I just happen to be at the stressed and not eating phase right not.
You are not goo hon and this too shall pass. Hope you feel better soon.
Aw, we all have days like that. Lord knows how many times I've had that this year and the last. Just ride it out and you'll be all right. I'm with Bob here. You're definitely not a waste of space. Certainly not in my world, anyway. You're full of interesting info and your sense of humour is wicked [just like Sybil's :D].
There are a lot of people working from home these days. You can do anything you want to be. List what interests you and look around to see which online company wants your skill or knowledge. I promise you, there is always someone out there who wants you to work for them.
You're a good wordsmith, that I know. So that's one to go on your list. What else? :) ((hug))
Cindy: I think like Maile says we've all had times like you're going through. Just know that you are special to all of us! I know you always brighten my day.
And didn't I go and spell Maili's name wrong - I'm always hitting send too soon.
Just a thought! You are a very good writer. Start with that. Maybe try something for Readers Digest - they pay for their little stories.
OMG!! I got all these responses in my e-mail and I was wondering how in the world you guys were able to read the post I had taken down. Uh, apparently I put it up again - what a pain in the ass I am!!
Sybil - I can always use another twin ;) I know it will pass I just wish it would already!! I think after writing this the fog lifted a bit that's for sure.
Maili - Thanks so much. I didn't mean for everyone to feel the need to shine sunshine on me. I tell ya, I really am my own worst enemy!
Kristie - I feel exactly the same about you!
Just so you all know I am feeling much better. When I think about what all three of you have been through lately I feel like a smow (sm-oh) for even bringing it up. Thanks for letting me vent and not yelling about pulling up the bootstraps and getting over myself!! Cause really, I should just get over myself ;)
I know Kristie did a mushy post there on her 1st anniversary and I definitely feel one coming on. I know I haven't ever met any of you guys but knowing you are out there and that one day we might just meet is wonderful.
Now, I must find something hysterical to write about for my next post....probably something about my poor hounds because they are always guaranteed to have us all laughing our asses off!
CindyS
Cindy:
Posting late, but remember that you have many, many talents, as Maili said. And what's even better, you've got a supportive husband and good friends, both on- and off-line.
And I think the word you want is "schmo." Yiddish.
I'm having a day like you are right now. I don't think I'll be doing any serious blogging today.
Megan - thanks hon.
All this time I had thought that I was the creater of the word schmo - what a schmuck!
Okay, but I have to be the creater of shmoopy - that's what I call anything cute, Godkids, dogs, cats critter, 'hello shmoopy!' I should probably put a 'c' in there somewhere. Schmoopy - c'mon, they can't have that one in Yiddish, uh, can they?
CindyS
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