Wednesday, July 04, 2007

This One Rated TMI

This one is not about books or anything book related or even all that funny so be warned I'm about to download a bunch of crap onto the blog.

Leave now, I'm really just going to whine. Bad Cindy.

I'm not sure where to start or even if there is a starting point anymore. I think (cause it's completely unclear) that I'm in a serious funk. I have moments of happiness and I definitely feel gratitude for the life I have but there is something eating away in a dark corner of my mind and I'm too afraid to look.

I'm seriously unmotivated to do anything. Just thinking about peeling potatoes for dinner is too much for me and I think I'm starting to look forward to sleeping more than being awake. My brain has stalled - I have a vivid imagination and before falling asleep I usually dream up another world I go to but lately nothing is coming to me (they call that daydreaming, right?). This causes problems because other than going to another world to fall asleep, I have no clue what to do. I end up over thinking things and having discussions that never happen - it's just weird.

Yet, I don't think I'm blue. I'm not weepy or overly upset about anything - okay, maybe I don't want to look that far back into that dark corner of my mind. I've been thinking of going to counselling but I'm afraid it'll force me to take some serious actions that would be far out of my comfort zone.

It's funny how I get mad at those 'high-brow literature' books where the protagonist does nothing to assuage the life they are leading. That they live in this area of unhappiness because they make what I think are stupid choices but then I realize they are making the easy, less painful choice. By not acting towards happiness they hurt no one except themselves and it's like literature has made this acceptable.

Finally I get the concept of art imitating life. There are multitudes of people who make the easy choices, who never hurt anyone or do anything beyond reproach and I guess these are the same people who write the books and what scares me is that I am that protagonist who does nothing, I am that person that I detest or that I think is too stupid to deserve happiness.

I have a Dr. appointment next week - I thought it was this week and I think I got into the mindset that I was going to talk about what's going on with me. Now I have to wait another week and I'm just wondering if I'm wasting time. That every moment I leave whatever it is alone, it'll just grow and get worse.

And yet, I look at my life and I am probably more blessed than most. I just don't have a right to this feeling and I'm praying the Doc has another pill to make it all go away and is that the worst thing to think or what?

Then my friend telling me that I was destined to do nothing and that in five years I would be in the exact same spot has been eating away at me and scaring the piss out of me.

With this load of crap, maybe I'm destined to write some depressing book that'll win a Pulitzer but essentially leave me right where I am.

Crap.

14 comments:

Mailyn said...

My brain has stalled - I have a vivid imagination and before falling asleep I usually dream up another world I go to but lately nothing is coming to me (they call that daydreaming, right?). This causes problems because other than going to another world to fall asleep, I have no clue what to do. I end up over thinking things and having discussions that never happen - it's just weird.

You are not alone in this Cindy. People with problems like ours learn to cope with the illnesses and this is one common method that's used. I started doing this when I was a child since that's when I first had symptoms of being bipolar. It also happens that whenever I am in a funk, as you say, I got nothing. It's as if my imagination was zapped and I can't come up with anything. That's why I've always had trouble sleeping. I can't go to bed because I know I'll be having depressing thoughts if I can't fantazise. The fantasies keeps us busy so that none of the negative thoughts come oure way.

So don't feel bad about not being able to daydream. Sooner or later imagination does leave us but it comes back sooner than you expect it.

Your friend had no right to tell you that. Who cares? So long as you are happy with who you are, have the love and support of Bon and those important to you and are content with being an at-home person then there is NOTHING wrong with that. At all. You don't see people tell stay-home moms that they are not doing anything. So, it only applies to people without kids? Bull. You have every right to not do anything if you can afford to. Not everyone in the world is destined for greatness. Hell, most people aren't. And I know for a fact that TONS of people would love to be able to stay home and do what they love like paint or read or do crafts or whatever.

So, don't let ANYONE tell you that your life is meaningless. So long as you're happy that's all that counts.

As for the unhappy thoughts it's possible that you are experiencing depression right now but you must remember that it goes away. Hang in there, ask the doc for help and just remember we are all rooting for you. And so is Bob, tCody and the kitties. ^__^


*hugs*

Mailyn said...

er, that should be Bob, not Bon. LOL.

Marianne McA said...

It's neither a bunch of crap, nor a load of crap, and, FWIW, I think you're doing exactly the right thing - admitting how you're feeing, and talking it out.

I've deleted this paragraph about 8 times, 'cos I can't put what I feel into words. It's something along the lines of - you feel what you feel whether you're blessed or not, and that's okay. See, I told you I couldn't put it into words.

Somebody wise will say it better...

Anyway (((Hugs.)))

(I don't suppose relentless supposition about Harry Potter 7 would provide a cheerful counterpoint?
If counterpoint means what I think it might..
You could fake interest, in the knowledge that you were Sparing Others, and thus doing a Good Thing for mankind.)

More (((hugs)))

Off to find a definition of counterpoint...

Kristie (J) said...

I think you would probably be amazed at how many people suffer from the same kind of feelings. It may not help - but you aren't alone. It sounds like you are suffering from depression - but then you probably know that. It's a good idea to discuss how you're feeling with the doctor.
And I would ignore what your 'friend' says. Each one of us is different and lives a differnt life. I would ignore entirely what she has to say.
Counseling probably is a good idea if you find a good one. I've been a few times and I know it helped me.
And just know that we're all here for you giving you huge cyber (((hugs))).
And this current funk will go away. Just be gentle and treat the inner you with patience.

Megan Frampton said...

Cindy:

Do NOT beat yourself up for feeling this way! I am so glad you are considering getting some help, although yes, it might dredge up some stuff you'd rather leave at the bottom. But do not pile guilt for your feelings on top of everything else--it's not like you can help it, just like you can't help feeling crappy when you have a cold or a headache or something. Know that you have a virtual support group with us, and that we care about you. Give us TMI whenever you need to.

Love,

Megan

jmc said...

I don't have any wisdom to share, just encouragement about talking and seeing your doctor. And I'm totally offended on your behalf that anyone, especially a so called friend, would tell you that you're destined to do nothing. :shakes fist impotently:

LinnieGayl said...

Cindy: That is obviously not a friend. I hope that you do, indeed talk with someone, but never feel guilty about it. As for your, "doing nothing," what a joke! After reading your blog over the last year or so, it's obvious you do a lot, to say nothing about bringing joy and laughter to everyone who reads your blog!

Dance Chica said...

It sounds like you’re going through a bout of depression. I know how you feel because I’ve been going through these same feelings for the past few days. The thing with depression is: there isn’t always a reason for it. People will ask, “What do you have to be depressed about?” But even if you have a fabulous life, you can still feel discontent (just look at Hollywood!). Anyway, just wanted to say that depression is something that affects a lot of people so you’re not alone, and I think it’s great you’re reaching out for help. I would ignore what your friend said to you. S/he sounds like a negative person and those kinds of people you have to just ignore. *sending lots of hugs and well-wishes*

C2 said...

Friends don't say stuff like that. Grrr. Your "friend" has no idea how much entertaining you do via cyber-space - that's not nothing. People who try to make others feel like that are often insecure about their own places in the world.

(((Cindy))) Things will get better and we're always here, ready to listen, whether things are good or bad.

nath said...

Hey Cindy :D

Seriously, I think you should just enjoy each day at a time... who cares where you'll be in 5 years... if you worry too much, you'll pass by a lot of things... (by the way, that was a bit mean of your friend)... as the others have said, the fact that you've admitted to not feeling well is a good step in the right direction. Just enjoy life, as long as you're happy, that's all what matters.

CindyS said...

Mailyn - So don't feel bad about not being able to daydream. Sooner or later imagination does leave us but it comes back sooner than you expect it. Lord I hope so - I've never really had this problem before so it is very off putting and makes me feel shut off from the world. I also didn't know that fantasizing was a way for me to cope - I couldn't imagine life without it!

I really do have a great support system and I went and talked to Bob last night and it was like a weight lifted. It's hard to be honest with the people in your life because you don't want them to think it has anything to do with them. So having Bob understand and accept that it's something I need to get help with is always a great relief.

Marianne - You said it just right! And I am the one person who has never read Harry Potter so it's better I don't enter in the conversation ;)

Kristie - It does help to know you aren't alone and that there are people (some I've met and some I haven't YET) who understand and support you.

Megan - Thanks! I'm not sure I want to roll in the muck but I guess I'm more afraid of a counsellor telling me I have to go out and do something. Uh, no thanks ;)

jmc - at least I'm getting used to my odd concept of friendship - my former best friend once told me I was lazy because I had an easy life. Uh, okay. I'm beginning to realize it says more about them than about me but it's amazing how a comment will settle in my mind and not leave. Oh. And this was after I told my friend I was considering going back to school to get my Masters followed by my Doctorate. She was all 'what are you going to do with that? Nothing.' At least I picked a great husband ;)

LinnieGayl - thanks! I will be talking to my doc and she'll probably want to see me every few weeks until I get the new meds under control (I'm assuming we will have to change them).

Dance Chica - thanks hon! I'm sorry that you are going through a rough period too. That's what is so frustrating for people like us. Others want to assign a reason to the depression when we know it has more to do with chemicals in our brain than anything outside of us. Yes there are appropriate times for depression and I understand them and go through them like anyone else. It's the kind that hangs over us like a cloud and eats at us for no reason.

C2 - thanks. I think I'm not an easy person to get to know in real life and I don't stand up for myself like I should. My friend shocked me so much that I just stopped talking when I probably should have turned and asked what was up her butt ;)

Nath - I'm very much about trying to appreciate the present but us anxiety people have a way of projecting ourselves into the future and then worrying about it. Depression sneaks up on you, even when you have been there before so knowing I'm going to take action with the doc next week is helping with my mood already!

Now, my thank you post ;)

CindyS

Devon said...

I hope you're feeling a bit better. It's great that you have a supportive listener in Bob, and you also have lots of online friends :)

Doesn't it feel better when you stop, acknowledge the problem and start to take steps to fix it? Otherwise, it's just so scary and overwhelming. I hope things keep getting better.

I think you should take a break from that friend right now. You don't need that negativity.

CindyS said...

Devon - I knew something was going on but knowing that I'm going to deal with it has taken the fear back out of it and I have been taking a break from my friend. She's been asking me about the things that had been bothering me (what I had been venting about when I got sand bagged) and I tell her everything is fine. I think she knows she may have crossed a line and has been trying to make up for it but I'm horrible at getting burned and then not trying again.

CindyS

Mollie said...

Well I got here kind of late. Everyone seems to have expressed what I was already thinking. Sorry you're feeling this way and you have a friend that doesn't realize how much she hurt you by saying that. :( I'll be thinking happy thoughts for you :)