Yesterday I talked about how I'm pretty sure I'm in a depression (never really know for sure cause it's a sneaky bastard, coming up all casual and warm like so you don't get shocked by it). After blogging about it I started to get a pain in my chest. Easy. I know what it is. I guess my chest wall swells (okay, I remember what it's really called but it's danced to the back of the brain) (inflamed!! that's the word!) when I'm under stress and well, there be some stressors in the life right now.
The good news was that Bob was awake when I went to go to bed and I was able to talk to him about how things have been. I guess I'm always worried that Bob will think he has done something wrong when that just isn't the case. He has told me he doesn't understand panic attacks (and well, how can you unless you have had them) but that he accepts that they are very much real and are part of my life. He also seems to have realized that I will also deal with bouts of depression for the most part and that it has nothing to do with him. I can't tell you how freeing and loving that can be for someone like me.
We grow up with parents that ask for explanations. What wrong with you? Why are you moping? Why are you crying, it's just a restaurant! So having Bob in my life is a blessing I never take lightly. Until I met him I never talked about the panic attacks or the fears or depressing thoughts. I'm not sure what it was about Bob but on our first date I told him point blank that I wasn't 'normal' for lack of a better word. It just never seemed to faze him until he realized that meds might become involved and even then, in the end, he trusted me enough to make the decision and we have been grateful ever since!
So my chest pain eased and I fell asleep.
When I woke up I told Bob I had blogged about my feelings and that I better check my e-mail. Seeing the love and understanding from you all is always humbling (in a good way - I guess I think I'll get a 'get over yourself!' kind of response but you are all so gentle and kind).
I turned to Bob and told him that I had the greatest friends on the internet and he said 'yeah, I've met a few of them'.
Thanks for listening to me and for understanding. I count you all as blessings.
Tomorrow I'll be back with your regularly scheduled meanderings.
Things like did you see the Zebrula?
Inane song by The Smother's Brothers (performed by someone else cause I can't find the original.