Yesterday I talked about how I'm pretty sure I'm in a depression (never really know for sure cause it's a sneaky bastard, coming up all casual and warm like so you don't get shocked by it). After blogging about it I started to get a pain in my chest. Easy. I know what it is. I guess my chest wall swells (okay, I remember what it's really called but it's danced to the back of the brain) (inflamed!! that's the word!) when I'm under stress and well, there be some stressors in the life right now.
The good news was that Bob was awake when I went to go to bed and I was able to talk to him about how things have been. I guess I'm always worried that Bob will think he has done something wrong when that just isn't the case. He has told me he doesn't understand panic attacks (and well, how can you unless you have had them) but that he accepts that they are very much real and are part of my life. He also seems to have realized that I will also deal with bouts of depression for the most part and that it has nothing to do with him. I can't tell you how freeing and loving that can be for someone like me.
We grow up with parents that ask for explanations. What wrong with you? Why are you moping? Why are you crying, it's just a restaurant! So having Bob in my life is a blessing I never take lightly. Until I met him I never talked about the panic attacks or the fears or depressing thoughts. I'm not sure what it was about Bob but on our first date I told him point blank that I wasn't 'normal' for lack of a better word. It just never seemed to faze him until he realized that meds might become involved and even then, in the end, he trusted me enough to make the decision and we have been grateful ever since!
So my chest pain eased and I fell asleep.
When I woke up I told Bob I had blogged about my feelings and that I better check my e-mail. Seeing the love and understanding from you all is always humbling (in a good way - I guess I think I'll get a 'get over yourself!' kind of response but you are all so gentle and kind).
I turned to Bob and told him that I had the greatest friends on the internet and he said 'yeah, I've met a few of them'.
Thanks for listening to me and for understanding. I count you all as blessings.
Tomorrow I'll be back with your regularly scheduled meanderings.
Things like did you see the Zebrula?
Inane song by The Smother's Brothers (performed by someone else cause I can't find the original.
15 comments:
Hiya Cindy. I haven't read your other post yet - I'm just now getting around to making the rounds.
Bob sounds like an incredible man. I don't understand panic attacks, either, but I know they're very real. Todd has had a couple in the last couple of years - the first of which we thought was a heart attack. So I know how frightening it can be for the other half.
I'm so glad you have him and he's good for you. 'cause you're pretty special! You and your magic bullet and everything. lol
Hey Cindy :D
I'm glad you're feeling better :D You are a very lucky woman indeed, having Bob :D and we love you!!!
I missed the last post, but I wanted to chime in with everyone else & give you a hug. Whoever says stuff like that to you isn't a friend.
I totally agree with the concept that one nasty comment will fester in your brain regardless of all the good things others say. I get that one too, so don't feel bad.
I'm glad you're feeling better, too. I think it's amazing that you have Bob in your life and that he supports you no matter what, even when he doesn't understand.
Just to echo everyone else, it's perfectly fine to feel the way you do. No matter who or what blessings you have in your life, you can't help your feelings. I think it's great that you spoke to Bob about it and that you're planning to speak to your doctor, but you shouldn't feel bad at all.
As for your friend (I'm commenting here about your last post, I'm too lazy to post on both..lol), you need to just ignore her. I would think after that many years of friendship, and all the crap you've put up with from her (listening when she needs to talk and etc) that she would be more compassionate.
I'm a firm believer in speaking your mind and telling the truth even when it might hurt someone, but what she said wasn't true, only cruel. It sounds to me like she's rather self-absorbed and you're better off with us. :)
I really hope you continue to feel better. And if it helps, I've been feeling much the same way lately. It's never easy. But we'll get through.
Having an amazing support system here on the web certainly makes all the difference, doesn't it?
Much love!
Holland
Hi Cindy! I didn't get here yesterday, but I'm so glad you're feeling a bit better. You're lucky to have Bob and you are so loved amongst us romance bloggers! Don't forget that. ;)
OMG we would NEVER tell you to get over yourself!!! :-(
It doesn't take a sick person to understand us. It takes someone with compassion and with understanding. Even if they don't know what we have the fact that they can see it's a real issue and not just something imaginary is enough. We will always be here for you so feel free to tell us everything that goes on in your life even if you think it's silly or we wouldn't want to hear it. Trust me, we would. We care. :-P
I am glad that you had a chance to talk to Bob and that he is so supportive of you.
Don't forget we do love you! ^__^
Yeah, What Mailyn Said. LOL
Glad things are better! I've said it before but it bears repeating - Bob rocks!
And so does the Zebrula. ;-)
We love you Cindy. We do.
The one phrase Dear Butcher uses to cheer me up when my family or my friends upset me to the point where I start feeling lousy is, "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke."
Someone once asked me why I loved my husband, and I said without thinking it through, "Because he reminds me to 'Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.'" The look on my friend's face was priceless. That phrase meant absolutely nothing to her.
Take care of yourself m'dear. You're totally worth it, and you keep me sane by coming to comment on my blog. We've never met, but you're special to me nonetheless.
((((((Cindy))))))
Everyone has been so eloquent and pretty much said what I was thinking as well. I just want to add that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
God bless your Bob. This is a pretty amazing group of women aren't they? It's pretty powerful mojo to have them in your corner.
Take care of you!
Jenster - I'm lucky in love and I figure that's what counts. Men experience panic attacks like they are having a heart attack whereas women interpret them like they are about to go insane any second. I think it's because men don't get them until later in life whereas mine started when I was 10 so I ruled out heart attack ;)
Nath - Love ya back!
Bookwormom - the negative stuff always snags in the brain doesn't it? I'm trying to let it go but I think the fact that my former best friends wedding is in September is causing my emotions to over run me.
Holland - having such a supportive group of women in our corner has definitely been the greatest experience I've had on the net!
I'm sorry that you are feeling this way also and I hope it passes for you soon - maybe you are like me and major life changes put your emotions in shock. Without your kids and your new move with MM you're bond to feel jumbled up.
Jennie - thanks sweets! I love my Bobby and I love my blogger friends!
Mailyn - love back to you! Thanks for being so supportive.
C2 - I'm soooo not telling Bob about his fangirls ;) Isn't that Zebrula gorgeous? I love him!
Suisan - thanks hon and I love your blog! Funny that that is what your hubby says because I've been saying that to Bob lately about the reno house. Course any line that has 'fuck' in it has probably been quoted by me ;) I'm glad that we are able to share the sanity cause there are days I really need the lion's share.
Rosie - thanks! It's amazing how you'll feel out of sorts and upset with no one around to talk to and then there are the ladies who come here to visit and they make me feel so much better.
I was about to head to bed and said, 'oh wait I have to go and visit Ames!' which is a funny way of saying it but it is like going to visit with a friend.
Okay, back to wacky Cindy!
CidnyS
I'm sorry if you're feeling depressed, that's the worst in the world. Bob sounds like a good support system and you're lucky to have him. Here's to hoping you'll feel better soon *cyber hugs*
Well, I'm back in town and just in time to give you a big (((HUG))). I haven't read what's going on with you and your friend but just know that I think you are incredibly special and no one makes me laugh like you do. We love you! and I'm so glad you have Bob in your life.
I'll blog soon about the trip. Needless to say, you should be feeling sorry for me... I've been forced to listen to country western music for a WEEK. I think that's the only radio stations they have in all of Montana and North Dakota.
Some days suck, it's wonderful that you have a good man who understands even though he doesn't--definitely a keeper :D
Hey Renee's back :)
Erin - thanks! I just started to read about your recent trip to Home Depot - I'm feeling very close to you right now ;)
Renee's Home!!! I missed you and can't wait to hear your 'take' on your trip ;) Western music really is the work of Satan. I'm just saying. And I'm glad I make you laugh!
Tara Marie - I told Bob that he has some fangirls. He was truly stumped and that's the way I'm leaving it! ;)
CindyS
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