Just Freaking Out

It's almost 4am on Friday and my body is telling me that something is definitely up.

Bad Tummy.

And I'm bored.

It's a very horrid combination. It's not the kind of boredom that anything will snap you out of. It think it's more of a lethargy that I can't seem to snap out of. I am getting things done but the idea of searching the internet for a 'different' gift for Bob feels overwhelming. Even so, I have bought many gifts from the internet this week which should have my stress ratcheting down.

At 9:15 I take Cody to the vet and he will probably get a head X-ray to see if he has a growth in his head somewhere. I'm hoping the X-ray comes out clear and it's allergies.

Okay, hoping and feeling like I'm going to throw up every time Cody starts to panic because he can't breathe are kind of opposite in feelings. I am definitely worked up and I can actually feel something rise up in me when Cody struggles to breathe. (which is almost every minute he is awake) When he falls asleep his mouth opens naturally and he snores but at least he isn't upset and it's the only time that I feel myself come down from whatever it is that rises up in me.

So I'll fess up and say that I'm terrified the vet is going to tell me that they can't do anything for Cody. At this rate, he won't be able to breathe by Christmas. I think that's why I'm all out of sorts lately.

I'm not ready and I know for sure that Bob isn't ready. When Rocky had to go I knew it and could deal with it. I've always known that part of loving your pet is knowing when it is time to let them go and usually I feel a sense of duty to them. They can't live as long as I can so I am there with them until the end and it is a privilege for me to be there with them at their last moments. I don't normally cry or get that upset because I have never made the decision on anything other than knowing that the suffering had to stop and that they only had days or hours left.

I will do my duty by Cody but I'm thinking I won't be the emotional rock I'm supposed to be. I don't think he has to go right now but if they can't do anything for him I think he will be lucky to make it to the new year. With Rocky it was different - I could see his legs start to fail him and his effort to get up the stairs. With Bob's cat Bunny (the most affectionate cat I have ever met in my life) he was starting to hide and lost control of his bodily functions. With Winston, Bunny's boon companion, (the emperor cat (easily weighed 20 lbs) that we all thought would live forever) the cancer had made him a shadow of his former self and by the time I convinced Bob Winston was suffering the poor guy could no longer stand.

Cody shows no signs of old age or any sign of disease.

Except for gas.

Good Lord the gas.

Other than that, no one would know he is an old dog and for some reason this is what is sticking with me. It doesn't seem right that there is nothing that can be done. I think in this case I will wonder if there was something somewhere that could have been done to help him.

How was that for a long and convoluted post!