Toronto!! Really?

Just to bring you all up to speed, I was 28 when my panic attacks got so far out of control that I started my descent into agoraphobia.

I have had panic attacks since I was 10 years old and yeah, they're a bitch. Anyways, I had been married to Bob for 3 years and hadn't really had an attack outside or my 'trigger zone' (eating with people / eating in restaurants/ eating with family / eating with my family IN a restaurant (shoot me now!!)). In all honestly, I didn't know that things could get worse and mama, they got worse.

I went to The One Of A Kind Show with my best friend and her sister and little baby. I was fine for the most part and was having a good time. Okay, the heat in the building and the speed with which my friends had to gaze over each piece - let me tell you, we only did 1/4 of one building ( and I think there are three buildings) in the two hours we were there started to be a bit much. While we were there the sister started to get an upset stomach. Well, I get those all the time so I gave her one of my peppermint pills but I didn't realize it was my last one. All of a sudden I started to worry about what would happen if I started to get an upset stomach! (Yep, that's the crazy) I calmed myself down by telling myself we were in a huge building with tons of washrooms so really, it was fine.

Until my best friend turned to me at 5pm (this will mean something in a moment) and said we had to leave so that she could get back for her show rehearsal. I looked at her like she was nuts. We are in a major city in North America, we live an hour away on a good day and she wants to leave in RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC!!!

I should also mention that the only person who knew I even had panic attacks was Bob because I told him before we even dated. I decided to get all my crap on the table in the beginning ;) So we start for the car and well, my friend's car was tiny and we don't even get out of the driveway of this place and we are in stop and go traffic. Each time I saw red brake lights my panic would roll over me. It was like bigger and bigger waves crashing into me. I considered telling my friend to pull over and just leave me behind (I knew I could call Bob and he would come find me) but how did I even start to tell her what was going on. And it was late November/early December and it was freezing and I doubt anyone would leave someone out on the side of a highway in the dark and drizzle no matter how much they begged.

It was an hour and a half of pure hell. I think I must have had rolling panic attacks all the way home all though the last half of the trip is something I barely remember. I got home and crashed into Bobby's arms completely spent and that was the day my world turned over.

Ever since then Toronto is like my own Mt. Everest. There is no one except Bob that I would head into that city with for fear of ruining someone else's plans. I have been around Toronto and have traveled farther than Toronto over the years (was in Illinois with Bob on business and had a panic attack at the border but I kept moving forward). Still, Toronto feels like a city I *can't* get out of if I need to. Last year Bob drove me down the main street of Toronto but we didn't stop or try and shop so I know we can drive on through it.

Tomorrow (today) we're going shopping.

I'm excited and scared all in one but I know I can do it with Bob.

With all the decorating that I love to do Bob wants me to see the things Toronto has to offer and I have to say I want to see them too!

So, I'm staying up. I had a nap from 10pm to 2am and will stay up for the morning and into the afternoon so that we can hit the stores early and without traffic concerns.

Hopefully tomorrow night I will have a list of stores we hit and a story about how Toronto is no longer that scary.

Okay, maybe I pushing it with the last part of that sentence but one can always hope!

Geez, I'm sitting her editing the post and thinking about how nice it is to be so open about my life and that I have a bunch of people all over the world who come here and visit me even when I'm rambling on about my boring life.

I'm telling ya, I've got tears in my eyes!

Maybe it's PMS ... right! That's what it is!

No really.

Fine!