1. I'm fat. I'm not sure what the underlying reason is because I have been watching those Oprah shows and stuff and they say you have to confront the reasons behind your addictive behaviour and yeah, I do have an addictive personality and food is always better than alcohol or drugs, right? Still the first time I lost weight I did it on Weight Watchers but there were these deserts and diet pop and stuff and 6 months in my panic attacks flared like a son of a bitch. Lesson? I can't drink diet pop because of the fake sugar without ratcheting up my anxiety. 2. WW no longer sells their foods in Canada sooooo, the reasons why I lost the weight the first time are no longer available to me and now I have the fear I'll join and not lose any weight and realize I will be forever fat. Yetch. I like to live in denial.
Side Note: Anyone ever done Jenny Craig? It looks like it could be good because all the food is there but what happens after you lose the weight? Do you eat like that forever? *sigh* I should just eat carrots and be done with it!
2. I will forever miss my one time best friend. I have decided that women without sisters form different types of female attachments than those with sisters. Sisters will always have women in their lives they can turn to. Women like me are always just outside of this circle. Probably not having a close relationship with my mother makes it that much harder for someone like me to feel connected. My personality probably also doesn't help with the feeling of being apart from other women. See, I've come to the conclusion that I obviously loved my best friend more than she could have ever loved me. She was my sister and I didn't take into account that she already had one. Since the fall-out of that friendship I have a wall now that keeps me from getting too close to other people because I figure I'm always looking for the sister I never had.
Okay, that was way too deep.
3. For all the worries about life and self-improvement and money, I am truly very blessed. Even though I know that I was blessed as a child to have plenty of food to eat, an education and two parent who loved me, it still wasn't easy. If I hadn't had panic attacks I would have had the perfect childhood, no question. Having Bob accept all of me, including the damaged parts (which my family denies exists) is a blessing that keeps on giving. I have become a more giving, open and loving person because of Bob and I know that they has made me a better person all around.
4. In a pet's life you can do no wrong. I love my cats and dog (used to be two) but on the days where you are throwing up or groaning in pain from yet another tummy ailment, they think nothing of laying beside you as close as they can to lend you their support. You can do something horrible and yell about the day you've had but there they are, in the wings, waiting for your arms to stop flapping so they can get in your lap and tell you about their day. I now know I will never be able to live without a pet. I need to have happy critters in my home who don't care if you have a panic attack during Christmas dinner. They're just happy to have you back home, curled up on the couch with a book, just like it's supposed to be.5. If there is something to worry about, I'll be the one worrying about it. Hell, when there is nothing that the naked eye can see to worry about, my brain will find the sliver of scary and work it's self up over it. I work hard now with the 'self talk' (Renee, you deserve those books - you work hard!!) to keep myself from worrying over things I can't change. It is starting to work - my brother lost his job recently and even though I am worried I keep reminding myself that I cannot like my brother's life. Only he can make the decisions needed to make him happy and hell, how many people want someone to swoop in and fix all their problems? Okay, how many besides me.
6. Because I needed one more. Napping will always be a part of my life and on that note, I'm off to bask in the glory of one now!
14 comments:
Hugs to you kiddo for being brave and honest and truthful. Never done Jenny Craig 'cuz I'm poor & cheap. I'm what you could call well nourished- I don't let many calories escape, but too cheap to pay for something I feel like I oughta be able to do myself. Not that you shouldn't- I just can't justify it for myself. From what I understand, they slowly wean you off their food. Maybe you could just go in for an info session? No commitmants, just to ask questions.
#6 is the gospel truth. Naps rule.
Bookwormom - I KNOW!! That's how I feel. I did WW once and I know how to lose the weight, it's called not eating every thing in sight ;) I can just tell that I'm not serious about it like I was the last time. I know I'm going to make a change soon because it is on my mind more than it used to be. Still, the lazy part of me is A-okay with everything the way it is ;)
Ain't #6 grand!
Cindy
I've tried Jenny Craig. It ended up being very expensive. The food was good, but here I am still significantly overweight, and still meaning to do something about it!
Cindy I think it's pretty brave to shart these truths. You have certainly developed some close friends in cyberspace. Knowing is part of changing. You seem like you are working on those things you want to change. I think that is awesome!
Marg - thanks, that's what I needed to know. Watching those commercials with uh, Kristie somebody and how they have deserts etc seemed like it would be like the old WW. I'm definitely a meat and potatoes type of woman so pasta dishes and chicken dishes with rice just don't cut it. I'm always waiting for the dinner portion to show up!
Rosie - Sometimes you have to put your crap out there so you can acknowledge it. I've never said I'm fat, I've always said I'm Rubenesque or big but never fat. I really do hate that word but maybe owning it will force me to make changes - as I sit here and think about going to McDs. I swear, there's crack in that there shit!
Cindy
Hey Cindy!
It was really interesting to read your truths... I have to admit that I'm quite surprised everyone dished out so many personal stuff :P
I sympathize with you about the friend... it's hard for me too to make good friends, but hey, you have a whole community supporting you :D
Love your honesty Cindy. Aren't pets the greatest? Max is always happy when I come home. How can that not be a good thing?
I have decided that women without sisters form different types of female attachments than those with sisters.
I almost added something very similar to my list of 5 truths. My MIL would completely agree with you, she has best friends from her childhood (she's 74) but thinks it's different from having sisters. I'm blessed to have a sister who will be my best friend for the rest of our lives.
Cindy I thank you for sharing your truths with us! I think perhaps you should try a dietician. I am going to one in two weeks so I'll let you know how that works. I need to lose those damn 10 pounds because I hate not fitting into my clothes and, being a clothes and shoe whore, it gets depressing.
I'm sorry about the best friend situation but don't let that stop you! See how many people you found online that care? I'm sure you will find someone just as nice. Hey you have Kristie like right there!
I could never nap. SHoot I hardly sleep. LOL.
Hi Cindy. I'm going to start of by giving you a big hug! ((((cindy))))
why? well, I just got a chance to catch up with you and was so happy that you managed to take your parents to the airport and I'm so happy that you have a dear sweet man like Bob too. I know you could have done it without him but there's nothing to prove to anyone. whatever works!
The other reason is that I am touched that you shared your truths with us. I'm a big girl from a big family of big people :-)
I've battled with my weight since I was about 13. Through the last 10 years it crept up to the point where I was about 45 pounds over where I know I should be. I joined Weight Watchers about a year ago. No, I haven't lost it all but about 15 pounds so far. The program does work if you follow it, just by eating regular food. I think I could have lost weight more quickly if I'd approached it like a project (I've done this before-project is over and the weight goes back on). My approach this time is to stick to it until I correct the underlying bad habits that contribute to my over eating and underexercising. I'm never going to give up until I lick it. Give it a try...I find it is helpful.
Anyway, you mentioned below that you wonder why I don't have a blog .Well I do! I usually sign in on blogger blogs with my blogger profile just because it remembers me then and I don't have to sign in each time. This time I've signed in as 'other' and put my url down so you can find my blog.
Its not about books, just crap about me so I don't have to write letters to anyone :-) If you go there you can read all about my issues with dogs, kids, depression, and whatever else. If you dig hard enough you might even hear about my experience with the Brazilian waxers! Sometimes I 'overshare' LOL.
anyway, you've turned me into a chatterbox so I better go!
Nath - there are days where I forget about that TMI thing ;) Like I say, I am very blessed.
Ames - there are always areas where I can be real honest, and then there are those little white lies that need to be told. As for puppies, I just love my pooch to pieces. If Bob and I are in different rooms he will go spend a few minutes with Bob and then wander in to see what I'm doing. He's really funny. He even insists on escorting me every where. Today I just about broke my neck when he zigged when I zagged!
Tara Marie - It took me a long time to figure out that truth for myself. Although you think it would have pricked at me as I know how I feel about my brother and we see each other so rarely.
Mailyn - I don't think I could take a dietician going 'you eat what!!???' cause that would sooo happen. I know what I shouldn't be eating, I just don't think about it. Lazy ;)
Yes, I am truly blessed in friends but I think remembering my childhood best friend who I truly believed would be there for me for life is hard. Hey, we lasted 26 years which is longer than most marriages ;) I just think that I now protect myself more even though I let my ass flap out in the wind on my blog ;)
Kayhgirl - woohoo! I found your blog and it is now favorit-uh-ized ;) I started mine with books but as you can see, anything goes! I actually had the opposite problem when I was younger. Since I had panic attacks around food I wouldn't eat unless I had to (read, with my parents). I was 110 lbs at 5'6 for much of my teen years. I guess people used to tell my Mom that I had anorexia or something which she seemed more likely to accept than something weird like panic attacks. *shrug* Then I met Bob and food wasn't scary anymore. Now, way too many pounds later food is scary again but in a 'geez, I really could go for some chocolate right now.' and since I don't have kids diets to worry about, I buy the chocolate. Ooops ;)
Cindy
It's kind of tough being so forthcoming isn't it? Yet is feels very liberating at the same time. Like for a short time there, the mask the rest of the world sees is gone.
Hi Cindy.
I am on Jenny Craig now. I've lost 50 lbs in 7 months and have about another 90 to go. I buy duplicate breakfasts, dinners and snacks and weekend lunches for both my husband and myself. I signed up for the 1 year program and got a 20% discount through my medical insurance company. When you sign up for the year program, you get 10% off weeks 1-10, 20% off weeks 11-30(?) then 30% off until you reach your goal. Once you are at goal, you get 35% off food. My normally weekly Jenny Craig food ranges between $140-$150. I then have to buy my milk, veges, fruit and misc foods (extra starch, fat, etc). The program is easy for me. I work full time and don't have the energy to try and figure out calorie counts, etc. I have done WW in the past, the point system and the prepared foods. I was more successful with the prepared foods, I guess because of the portion control. When I'm at my 1/2 way point I'll start cooking for myself a few days per week to transition over. I've done several diets in the past and I'd say this time has been the easiest and I'm still motivated....mw
Kristie - hell yep. ;)
MW - thanks for going so indepth for me. I can see how it would be a commitment for sure. I will have to think about my options still but super congratulations on losing the weight!
cindy
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