Huh. This one is going to be a stumper and maybe just a wee bit to revealing in the 'OMG' did I just admit that out loud!?
1. I'm fat. I'm not sure what the underlying reason is because I have been watching those Oprah shows and stuff and they say you have to confront the reasons behind your addictive behaviour and yeah, I do have an addictive personality and food is always better than alcohol or drugs, right? Still the first time I lost weight I did it on Weight Watchers but there were these deserts and diet pop and stuff and 6 months in my panic attacks flared like a son of a bitch. Lesson? I can't drink diet pop because of the fake sugar without ratcheting up my anxiety. 2. WW no longer sells their foods in Canada sooooo, the reasons why I lost the weight the first time are no longer available to me and now I have the fear I'll join and not lose any weight and realize I will be forever fat. Yetch. I like to live in denial.
Side Note: Anyone ever done Jenny Craig? It looks like it could be good because all the food is there but what happens after you lose the weight? Do you eat like that forever? *sigh* I should just eat carrots and be done with it!
2. I will forever miss my one time best friend. I have decided that women without sisters form different types of female attachments than those with sisters. Sisters will always have women in their lives they can turn to. Women like me are always just outside of this circle. Probably not having a close relationship with my mother makes it that much harder for someone like me to feel connected. My personality probably also doesn't help with the feeling of being apart from other women. See, I've come to the conclusion that I obviously loved my best friend more than she could have ever loved me. She was my sister and I didn't take into account that she already had one. Since the fall-out of that friendship I have a wall now that keeps me from getting too close to other people because I figure I'm always looking for the sister I never had.
Okay, that was way too deep.
3. For all the worries about life and self-improvement and money, I am truly very blessed. Even though I know that I was blessed as a child to have plenty of food to eat, an education and two parent who loved me, it still wasn't easy. If I hadn't had panic attacks I would have had the perfect childhood, no question. Having Bob accept all of me, including the damaged parts (which my family denies exists) is a blessing that keeps on giving. I have become a more giving, open and loving person because of Bob and I know that they has made me a better person all around.
4. In a pet's life you can do no wrong. I love my cats and dog (used to be two) but on the days where you are throwing up or groaning in pain from yet another tummy ailment, they think nothing of laying beside you as close as they can to lend you their support. You can do something horrible and yell about the day you've had but there they are, in the wings, waiting for your arms to stop flapping so they can get in your lap and tell you about their day. I now know I will never be able to live without a pet. I need to have happy critters in my home who don't care if you have a panic attack during Christmas dinner. They're just happy to have you back home, curled up on the couch with a book, just like it's supposed to be.
5. If there is something to worry about, I'll be the one worrying about it. Hell, when there is nothing that the naked eye can see to worry about, my brain will find the sliver of scary and work it's self up over it. I work hard now with the 'self talk' (Renee, you deserve those books - you work hard!!) to keep myself from worrying over things I can't change. It is starting to work - my brother lost his job recently and even though I am worried I keep reminding myself that I cannot like my brother's life. Only he can make the decisions needed to make him happy and hell, how many people want someone to swoop in and fix all their problems? Okay, how many besides me.
6. Because I needed one more. Napping will always be a part of my life and on that note, I'm off to bask in the glory of one now!