I should explain the name of this blog and this is where I realize that maybe I don't have that many boundaries. It turns out that people can be nocturnal. At least, that is what my husband and I believe. I get up around 4pm and go to bed anywhere between 5am and 9am. This was not the case for me for many years. I mean, at one point I held down jobs and went to school but, good Lord was I a cranky SOB. And tired. So very tired.
So then, my panic attacks, which I had been dealing with since I was 9, took over. Okay, I let them take over but once again, after 15 years of fighting and suffering I decided that I didn't need to deal with situations that caused panic. Hey, I was 27, I didn't need to do anything I didn't want to. The scary thing about panic is that once you decide not to fight it, it creeps into situations you never had the attacks before. Six months later I could barely get out the front door - Agoraphobia. It was then that I realized I would have to fight again but it was one hell of an uphill battle and I needed meds to help. I'm soon to celebrate my 35th birthday and can say that I have been fighting for many years. That said, it does get easier, I just wish it could be cured.
So what does that have to do with anything? Fighting panic meant forcing myself into situations that made the attacks pop up so, during the day I couldn't relax enough to sit and enjoy a book or TV show because I always felt I had to fight. I should go to the grocery store, drive to the next city over (still can get me), drive to my friends house. Also, the meds cause sleepiness and naps became part of the daily routine. So to make this story longer than it need be, I went around the clock on my sleep and now I live in backwards land ;) My friends call it the 'vampire hours'. So for the most part, I am up in time to do errands but by having time to myself I don't need to turn my fight button on or have it pushing at me all the time.
Don't get me wrong. There are many days where I have to get up by noon (and that's pushing it) and for the most part I function properly for a few days and then, WHAM, I get hit and sleep for almost an entire day. I did get my sleep patterns back a few years ago and thought that I had successfully returned to the land of the normal. Then I fell down our stairs at 10pm on the way to bed (our stairs are ceramic tiled so it was a bad landing and then I blacked out) and was taken to emergency. I was up until 4am and once again, the night took over - or more precisely I surrendered to it. I've always been more of a night person. On weekends as a child no bedtime was enforced and I remember many weekends being up all hours of the night. People knew that you just didn't knock on my families door before noon because no one was up. We weren't partiers or anything, we're just livelier at night.
How I married a morning person is beyond me but, it works!
Oh, I told dh about the blog and showed him the pictures and stuff. He wanted to know where the picture of him was. Duffus. Mr. Private wants me to post his pic - when I explained about privacy and such he was all, right, right. ::sigh::
Here's a link to famous people who may have suffered from panic attacks.
Famous People who have experienced an Anxiety Disorder
You may just discover so of your heroes on this page!
CindyS
Saturday, August 06, 2005
Some Definition
"I had a terror since September, I could tell to none; and so I sing ... because I am afraid... While my thought is undressed, I can make the distinction; but when I put them in the gown, they look alike and numb."
Emily Dickinson (1830-1886)
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6 comments:
My mom has had panic attacks for years and when we were kids she had feelings of agoraphobia (not bad, but didn't like leaving the house, her one day out was food shopping, because she didn't trust my dad to do it.) My dad broke his leg when I was 16 and she went back to work while he was out on disability. She hasn't looked back, she still has panic attacks, but she got her drivers license when she was 38 (scared the hell out of all of us.)
My DH suffers from them. For a while I didn't understand why he couldn't just get over them, but I slowly realized he can't. It limits his life quite a bit and I thought it would limit mine too, but it hasn't. So though I don't know what they are like, I do know they are real.
Tara Marie - Your mother kicks ass!! Yeah, there comes a point where if you stand in the face of the panic and face you can overcome it but, it will always be with you in some form or another.
Kristie - Yeah, they're real - wish they weren't ;) Has your DH been able to get some counselling? Where I am one of the major hospitals has an Anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Clinic (trust me, I was shocked at just how many people suffer from this, for years, I thought I was the only one and it wasn't until I was 27 and went on the internet that I discovered I was not alone). I went through a course that broke down the physical sensations - one was to breathe through a straw for 60 seconds and then record how you feel, anther was to spin in a chair for 30 seconds. If you try these you will experience just one of the sensations that can bombard your DH. I think men may have a harder time as there was a man in the clinic who wasn't on any meds. He asked about those of us who were. I told him, I had finally regained myself again. I was me, only better. Oh, also, a person with PA can have a safe person and mine is Bob (dh). I can go anywhere with him because I know the minute I panic I could tell him we had to leave. Not that I am allowed to leave but knowing that Bob would take me home in a flash is extremely comforting.
CindyS
He won't take meds for them. He did for a while but not anymore. He has researched them and knows he's not alone but at this point in time doesn't want to do anything more. I would like him to but there's not much I can do but offer support.
Kristie, I hope that at some point he decides to take them head on. Like I said, I think those of us with PA think we are somehow weaker than everyone else when the truth is that we are stronger. I mean, not everyone has to face their fears whereas we do it on a daily basis. ((hugs))
Cindy
Just yesterday he was saying he felt he was ready to blow apart. Again I said to take something - it's not a weakness but I don't know if he's listening
Cindy;
Can you email me at jenner2@rogers.com ?
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