20 Things That Piss Me Off

Finally.

I am in the right mood for this one. Let's just slap an R rating on this little rant so lock the kiddies up and if easily offended well, you've been here before so I'm thinking you can take it.

I'm at 10 and have been doing this for an hour so you're only getting 10. If you want anther 10 let me know and I can think more about it. If I don't hear back then I will assume I offended every person under the sun and will remove this post and pretend it never happened.
1. The fact that I don't know Jack about anything. I'm tellin' ya, if you happen to see the fucker, could you tell him I could use a little help over here!! I couldn't teach a monkey to eat a banana let alone figure out half the crap I need to do for routine day to day shit. News flash! Ignorance is never bliss. Okay wait, there should be a qualifier with that. Ignorance is bliss if you have a significant other that can and will do the laundry. Then, acting like you don't know the difference between the washing machine and a microwave is fine. That is until they figure out that you do know and then everything goes to crap. Just saying.

2. People who don't know how to drive but have a license anyways. How the hell does this happen? Are there payoffs in the driving bureau so those who can't drive can get their license? All I'm saying is pull your fucking car over and get the hell out of my way! Places to go, people to see, yada, yada. If you are old you are forgiven because I had a Gram who used to drive and I get it. If you are young take the bus!!

3. People who think they are better than you. I'm Mary freakin' Sunshine much of the time. Hey, even C-Rex doesn't get away with being uppity or rude. Talk down to me and you're about to get a hell of a surprise. Actually, I'm never really sure how I'm going to react to someone with a stick up their ass. Sometimes I do a comedy routine in the middle of the store where the person is the butt of the jokes. Yeah, we're laughing at you. I may even become sweeter with a sugary smile and a 'you have a nice day' that really means 'bite me'. Or, and here's where people start to cower, I get loud and obnoxious. After 11 years Bob normally knows just when to get me out of a place.

4. Malls with no air conditioning in the summer and the friggin' heat on in the winter. Hey, I'm all for conservation of energy but you could fry french fries in my pants people!! You want people to spend some money? Get the temperature of the mall right. As for Christmas shopping in the cold? Why oh why do the malls have the heat on? Tell the store employees to layer up because the heat ain't coming on. When I have to shop in shorts in November and you can still see steam coming off me? I'm pissed. It's minus 10 000 degrees outside but I can't wear my parka and shit into the mall because I'll die. Shut up. I will. And don't think I won't take a few motha tuckers out with me!!

5. Criticism that's not constructive. Hey, you think you can paint this wall better than I can then get off you ass and grab a brush. Until then, cap it.

6. Parents that don't discipline their kids. I'm sorry, I know I'm not a parent but holy shit. Even *I* know that if you tell a kid they are being a brat and if they don't stop then they won't get that toy then, when they don't stop - DON'T BUY THEM THE TOY!!! Simple logic. Action, consequence. And quit with the one, two, three bullshit. I have yet to hear a parent get to three. 'Two and a quarter, two and a half....really, do you not want the toy. Why are you acting like this? Can we talk this out?'

'THREE!!! say it!! *starts to sob* Three for the love of God please say three!! I'm beggin' you, three!' *heaving sobs*

Ahem.

Seriously, those of us without kids are laughing at you and yes, we're talking trash behind your back. And don't ask us if we think you are a good parent because we'll lie. I'm just saying. Don't ask.

7. The last two seasons of X-files. I still can't talk about it. Fuckin' Carter.

8. On that note, don't get me started on Aaron Sorkin, The West Wing, Deadwood (cancelled WTF?), the last year of Alias, Woody Allen, TV shows I can't get in Canada, late season premieres, that anything under 24 shows be considered an actual season and the price of TV series on DVD. Seriously. Don't ask.

9. Celebrities with more money than brains asking me to give money to support whatever cause they've decided will be their touchstone for civilization. Oprah is the worst offender for asking for money when she has more than enough to give. You know what? You've got millions and millions of dollars and you want my spare change? I need that change just to buy myself dinner so until I see you pony up with the goods quit bugging me.

10. Oprah's Favourite Things Show. I'm telling you the first year I saw it I was floored at all the stuff the people got in the audience. Since then the audiences know they are going to get everything and can't quit doing their happy dances. Meanwhile, I've noticed that I have a green eyed monster that starts to come alive and since I don't like that part of myself I try and not watch these types of shows. Scholarships and stuff are all well and good and I believe in that. Getting diamond earrings because - shit, I really don't know why a bunch of women with enough money to buy their own diamonds needed them but there you go.

Turns out I only got to ten but then I tend to ramble.